I’ll admit that the title of this post is a little bit disingenuous for a few reasons. First of all, I would vote for a shaved ape before I voted for Rick Santorum, and I made my decision about him well before he was ever a candidate for the GOP nomination. I haven’t just now made up my mind, and I wouldn’t have just one reason for voting against him. Unless “I despise everything he stands for” counts as “a” reason.
And, okay… I’ll admit that I won’t be voting for Mitt Romney, either. I also despise just about everything he stands for, at least until he changes his mind again.
But if ol’ Mitt ends up winning the election in November, I won’t be worried about the country the way I would be were Santorum to win somehow. Because as much as I oppose the entire Republican agenda, and as much as I think Romney is just a weather vane with good hair, I think he is at heart a competent individual who is capable of making intelligent decisions when pressed.
Rick Santorum is a total moron.
At a campaign event at a bowling alley in Wisconsin today, GOP presidential hopeful Rick Santorum told a boy who reached for a pink bowling ball: “You’re not gonna use the pink ball. We’re not gonna let you do that. Not on camera.” Santorum went on to say “Friends don’t let friends use pink balls.” The comments were tweeted by Reuters reporter Sam Youngman.
Sweet. Fancy. MOSES!
I understand the man just hates gayness. And anything that smack of gayness. Including, apparently, Y-chromosome-bearing humans bowling with pink balls. Fine. But the man is under the klieg lights of the American political press, which is dying to report anything more interesting than Romney’s inexorable slog to the nomination, and he cannot refrain from acting like the most meat-headed seventh grader from your memories of gym class. He’s not standing on principle — he’s just being oafish. And he just can’t help himself.
In one of those miracles that occur when the planets align just so, Tom and I agree on something. The plaything may have changed (an Etch-a-Sketch for him, a bowling ball for me), but the underlying problem remains the same. This man is such an intellectual flyweight that he can’t help but make it obvious. I could never imagine voting for a man so inescapably sophomoric.
And also, I despise everything he stands for.
Oh. My. God.
Oh. My. Tod.
One thing is for sure: if I can’t bowl with a pink ball, I don’t want to be Rick Santorum’s friend.
Fortunately, former Senator Santorum would need to pretty much sweep the remaining states to have a shot at the nomination at this point and continues to bleed a small but nontrivial number of delegates to Newt Gingrich. Romney has an advantage in several of the remaining winner-take-all states.
There is functionally zero probability that Rick Santorum will be the Presidential nominee of the Republican party in 2012. The question is whether he would be Romney’s running mate, and if I were Romney my response to that proposal would be “Hell no.”
I do believe that those two men should be legally permitted to be running mates, however, in spite of the biases of their communities.
I think I would prefer it if candidates were required to pick a member of the opposing party as a running mate.
I do believe that those two men should be legally permitted to be running mates, however, in spite of the biases of their communities.
If we let them be running mates, where does it end? A Romney-Lassie ticket?
Hey, why am I Pink Ball?
Because you’re a faggot.
Why can’t we pick our own colors?
No way, no way. Tried it once, doesn’t work. You got four guys all fighting over who’s gonna be Black Ball, but they don’t know each other, so nobody wants to back down. No way. I pick. You’re Pink Ball. Be thankful you’re not Yellow Ball.
Yeah, but Brown Ball is a little too close to Shit Ball.
Pink Ball sounds like Pussy Ball. How ’bout if I’m Purple Ball? That sounds good to me. I’ll be Purple Ball.
You’re not Purple Ball. Some guy on some other job is Purple Ball. You’re PINK BALL.
Who cares what your ball is?
Yeah, that’s easy for your to say, you’re White Ball. You have a cool-looking ball. Alright look, if it’s no big deal to be Pink Ball, you wanna trade?
Hey! NOBODY’S trading with ANYBODY. This ain’t a goddamn, fucking city council meeting, you know. Now listen up, Pink Ball. There’s two ways you can go on this job: my way or the highway. Now what’s it gonna be, Pink Ball?
And the next thing you know, President Santorum is trying to cut off David Cameron’s ear.
“Muslims to the Left of me, no one to the Right..”
Winning!
Awesomeness
“Hey, you don’t like Pink Ball? I’ll trade with you for Chrissakes, ’cause I don’t wanna be Blue Ball!”
+1
This is a learning experience for me. Do gay people prefer pink bowling balls? This is a remarkable world.
No.
Gay people’s bowling balls say “Tommy” on them.
I thought those were pinballs.
Who?
Tommy Hilfiger.
off-topic anecdote:
One of the typical methods that I employ among co-workers is that, is someone insults me, I agree with them, and to such an extreme that it takes all the fun out of the insult.
True Life Example:
A: Fuck you!
B: Yeah, fuck me! Just fuck the living daylights out of me! Bang me hard; make me your bitch!
The guy did a double-take after that. He was a difficult case, and he took a moment to compose himself before going on.
Incident:
One guy was trying to get a rise out of me one day, and I was wearing a long-sleeved Vuarnet t-shirt.
A: You know, at the high school where I went to, the only people that would wear Vuarnet t-shirts were the queers.
B: Queers have a lot of nice clothes. I didn’t know this shirt was good enough to be queer. Maybe I should wear it more often.
He didn’t give up that easily, but I stuck to my guns.
A: That’s why they’re queers! They have all those nice clothes!
B: And chicks really like that. They’re all over them; you see that? That’s why they’re so good at dancing– they got chicks all over them because of all the nice clothes. Maybe I ought to wear this shirt more often.
It just takes all the fun out of it for them if you pretend that their insult was a compliment.
But the comment was really just a joke about the fashion-consciousness of gay men.
This is an excellent method, I’ve used it myself. I’m trying to teach it to Jack.
When I get insulted, I usually just pout, get resentful, and write a blog post about it several months later after everyone else but me has forgotten about it.
I can kinda hold grudges 🙂
Exactly.
Historically, pink was a color for boys. It was considered too powerful and assertive for girls to wear.
Real conservatives appreciate this.
Wasn’t that purple?
What I think is funny is that most men have a pair of pink balls they play with all the time…
(too much?)
Way too much. Also assumes skin tones and thus is double minus un-pc. (minus ten points from Gryffindor)
Dammit!
I always wondered what they looked like inside the sack, but I was never really curious enough to find out.
I can tell you what pig testicles look like. They are in fact pink.
It’s like Alton Brown guest-hosting the McLaughlin Group in here.
Thank God that curiosity can be laid to rest before something terrible happened.
I don’t know that Alton Brown ever worked in a slaughterhouse. He’s probably handled pig testicles before, though. Hm.
Not a good visual on that one.
JB speaks the truth, pink is light red, so it was the color for baby boys into the early 20th Century.
Since we’re on the topic anyway, might as well post this song again.
http://youtu.be/Tctfq4tplQ4?t=20s
I’ll stick with the classics
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_W-fIn2QZgg
Russell,
Have you seen this Onion video?
http://www.theonion.com/video/heartbroken-santorum-condemns-gay-marriage-for-two,27497/
[Unfortunately, there’s a short 30 second commercial you have to watch. If the link doesn’t work, you can go to www dot theonion dot com, and in the search box, type “santorum,” “gay,” and “marriage,” and it should pop up.]
First of all, I would vote for a shaved ape before I voted for Rick Santorum
If you were a Republican, this would be interpreted as a racist comment about Obama. This is not hypberbole—it actually happened.
Yes, comparing Santorum to an ape is exactly like making an Obama accomplishment the work of a gun-shot chimp.
It really is exactly the same thing.
“First of all, I would vote for a shaved ape before I voted for Rick Santorum”
Who’s Dr. Saunders going to vote for if Santorum gets nominated? Obama. Therefore…He’s calling Obama a shaved ape!
“This bill is such a train wreck that it must have been written by a chimpanzee.”
Who wrote the bill? Congress. Therefore…he’s calling Obama a chimpanzee! And saying that we should shoot him!
Both are ridiculous, and for the same reason. The simian is being used as a metaphor for gross incompetence, and you really, really have to reach to come up with some interpretation where the message is “Obama is an ape.” But a left-wing hack will reach as far as it takes to find an excuse to call a Republican a racist.
Because there’s been no right-wing imagery comparing Obama to an ape.
My, my, my… go out of town for a weekend, and look what happens.
The construction of the sentence makes no sense if I am referring to President Obama, the candidate I campaigned for in 2008. “I’d rather vote for my preferred candidate than the one I hate” is a wee bit tautological. I could have gone with the more traditional “yellow dog,” as suggested, but it’s been done.
Logic fail.
“Logic fail.”
No, it’s not logic fail… it’s Space Awesome Logic!!!
I’m not gay, but were I forced to choose between kissing Ron Jeremy or Brad Pitt, I’d probably go with Brad Pitt. Therefore my wife is Brad Pitt.
Given the choice between drinking liquified human brains or a cool, crisp basil infused vodka martini, I’d go with the martini. Therefore my cup of weak-ass office coffee is a cool, crisp basil infused vodka martini.
Were I to choose between dying at Gettysburg from a bullet wound, or dying of a post-coitus heart attack in the bed of Ursula Andress circa 1966, I’d take the the sexy bed option. Therefore I am now a zombie – and am subsequently changing my answer to the previous Space Awesome Logic example.
O Mighty Tod, this comment is space awesome.
which is why he ought to have used the traditional “Yellow Dog” instead.