Anchor: You’re watching ASTN, the All-Sports Talk Network, and this is “False Start.” Here with us today is sports physiologist Jimmy Buckley, and Sterling Sharpe, Brett’s former teammate and easily the best-dressed commentator on the NFL Network. Let’s start with you, Sterling. Great suit!
Sharpe: Thanks, man.
Anchor: Now, Sterling, you were Brett Favre’s teammate for a couple of great years back in the early 1990’s.
Sharpe: Yeah, that’s right. Thirty-four touchdowns Brett and me hooked up for. We broke the single-season TD record, baby!
Anchor: Boo-ya! [Laughter, high-fives.] Okay, let’s get serious. In that time, did you ever, you know, eat breakfast with Brett?
Sharpe: Oh, sure. We’d have breakfast before practice, before a game, or sometimes just hanging out. And here’s the thing that I think a lot of people on this story have overlooked. Brett likes to eat salt and pepper on his eggs.
Anchor: Salt and pepper, you say?
Sharpe: Man, I seen him! He just shakes that stuff on there like he don’t care. [Gestures wildly.] Ketchup, too. I went to Waffle House in Manitowoc with him one time back in ’93. Brett even had cheese on his eggs that day. He was kind of a wild man back then, hah-hah!
Anchor: Wow. Okay. Now, Jimmy, what’s your reaction to this information?
Buckley: Very interesting! We can’t be sure, because we haven’t got this level of detail to know for sure if Brett did put pepper on his eggs this morning. But if it’s true that Favre made his initial sneezes right after eating eggs, this suggests that maybe it wasn’t the eggs per se that made him sneeze, but maybe a stray whiff of pepper.
Anchor: So if that’s the case, then how does this affect his ability to play?
Buckley: Well, that’s where the antihistamine comes in. You see, an antihistamine, sometimes called a “histomine antagonist,” suppresses the body’s reaction to allergic stimulants.
Anchor: Stimulants, pills — uh-oh! Brett’s had enough trouble with that sort of thing in his career!
Buckley: No kidding. So if he’s using this —
Sharpe: [Interrupts] Whoa, whoa, whoa. You guys are talking about a cold pill. An over-the-counter thing.
Anchor: What’s your point, Sterling?
Sharpe: Look, Brett went through a rough time back then, and he came out stronger for it. That’s the kind of guy he is, he always comes out tougher and stronger. That’s what I’m saying.
Buckley: Well, the thing to remember here is that there are some kinds of histamine antagonists that have significant side effects, like drowsiness, dizziness, or even nausea, in some people. [Sharpe shrugs, anchor nods.] I can tell you that I wouldn’t want to be out there playing football like that, for sure.
Anchor: So if he suffers these side effects, that might affect his ability to perform?
Buckley: Sure. It slows him down, maybe just a fraction of a second, but —
Sharpe: Man, a fraction of a second is an eternity out there on the field! [Looks directly at camera.] Brett, man, stay healthy. For you and Deanna and those girls, not just all those fans out there pulling for you.
Buckley: I should add, guys, that eggs are a really rich source of protein, and there’s no doubt that for an athlete, especially of Brett’s age, getting a lot of good healthy protein is an important part of an athlete’s diet. Now, all that cholestrol, I don’t know. But if it’s pepper and not the eggs, that’s more good news than bad.
Anchor: Jimmy? Does this affect whether Favre is gonna play?
Buckley: Let me put it this way: I’m in a keeper league, and Favre’s been my guy since nineteen ninety five.
Sterling: Sure, cause before that, you must have had me! [Laughter]
Anchor: Sterling, do you think he’s going to play?
Sharpe: Oh, yeah. Brett’s hungry, that’s why he’s eating eggs! If his ankle is in shape, look out for Old Number Four.
Anchor: Okay, thanks, fellahs. Exclusively here an ASTN — but wait, there’s more. Stay tuned for Molly McKleinquist’s interview with a guy who used to be the mailroom clerk at Brett’s agent’s office, who says he’s heard Favre sneeze like this in the past. Is Brett Favre conjuring up old demons? Find out after the break, only here on ASTN. You’re watching “False Start!”
[Music, fade-out to jock itch relief cream commercial]
…Yes, Readers, I’m getting a little tired of the inanity of sports radio. I can’t wait for the NPR pledge drive to be over and my research for fantasy football completed.