Imperial Vehicle Code

Bit by bit, I’m putting together the important revisions to the laws that will come into effect after the revolution comes and our democracy collapses into dictatorship. When that happens, I intend to find myself on top and I will promulgate a number of decrees to modify existing law for the general benefit of all my subjects. As with so many other things, I look to classical history for guidance and wisdom, and I find that Lucius Cornelius Sulla had some pretty good ideas.

The thing is, unlike Sulla, I will be a generally benevolent and kind overlord, and those who know how to behave themselves with a modicum of dignity and intelligence will scarcely notice any change between today’s society and that which will blossom under my guidance. But, there are those who will need to make adjustments to their lifestyle. Like the jerk behind us in the Honda mini-SUV last night at the McDonald’s drive-thru, whose motor and muffler had been altered to the point that its rumble rendered me unable to communicate with The Wife because of the deafening roar, who thought that was an appropriate way to transport his dog. He’ll have a little bit more difficult fitting in after the revolution comes. He won’t like this law, which will be early in the course of my Imperial decrees to be issued, representing the importance of this law to The Leader:

(A) Any vehicle which emanates audible noises in excess of 65 decibels for longer than two seconds on or within 100 yards of an Imperial Highway shall be in violation of the Imperial Vehicle Noise Ordinance. The owner and the driver of the vehicle shall share strict liability for violation of the Imperial Vehicle Noise Ordinance, and the judge of the Low Criminal Court shall impose punishments as follows.

(B) Punishment shall be as follows:
For the first offense: the vehicle shall be immediately impounded and summarily repaired by the Imperial Army’s Mechanical Corps, and all offending equipment shall be removed or restored to functional conditioning immediately, and the violator shall reimburse the Imperial Government for all expenses incurred before the vehicle is released from Imperial impound.
For the second offense: the vehicle shall be immediately impounded and replaced with a silent-running electric vehicle equipped with a governor on all internal audio devices. After six months of continuous use of such vehicle, the owner may apply to the Low Criminal Court for return of the original vehicle.
For the third offense: punishment cumulative with second offense, and furthermore, the owner shall be sentenced to two weeks’ labor cleaning the Imperial Highways of litter and other road debris.
For the fourth offense: the owner forfeits his right to own a motor vehicle or to operate a motor vehicle on the Imperial Highways for eleven months and twenty-nine days.
For the fifth offense: reference to the High Criminal Court for prosecution for the crime of willful stupidity.

(C) If an animal or child under the age of twelve years is contained within the vehicle at the time it emanates noise in violation of this decree, the Imperial Attorneys shall further examine the facts and refer appropriate cases to the High Criminal Court to prosecute instances of the crimes of animal abuse or child abuse.

(D) If the noise causing violation of this decree is louder than the sirens of law enforcement, firefighting, or ambulance vehicles, observed from either within or without the vehicle, the Imperial Attorneys shall further examine the facts and refer approrpriate cases to the High Criminal Court to prosecute instances of the crime of interference with emergency services.

(E) If the noise causing the violation of this decree is a repeating-sound auto alarm, and such sound persists for longer than twenty seconds, Imperial citizens shall be authorized to immediately disable the alarm through judicious use of aluminim baseball bats, and such conduct shall not be held to be a violation of the Imperial Vandalism Law.

(F) Freedom of speech does not include volume, at least not on the roads. So says The Leader.

Yes, there will be many candidates for the dubious honor of “first against the wall” after the revolution comes, but let’s get real. We can’t execute everyone who pisses off The Leader. It’s too easy to do and that would simply cause a labor shortage. It’s better this way — we’ll get the loud cars and trucks off the road, so people can hear the damn sirens and not blow out their pets’ or childrens’ eardrums, and the rest of us can drive in peace.

Don’t worry, Loyal Readers. You will all benefit from your proximity to The Leader (whose initials you should recognize by now). It won’t be democracy and that will be too bad — but perhaps with a little strong guidance, people will be able to learn how to responsibly use their freedom and can be trusted with self-government again.

But I’d better damn well not have any trouble getting my mail after the revolution, I’ll tell you what.