From the Journal of Reince Priebus…

Once again, Ordinary Times has come into some interesting information. Recently, we received a copy of a private journal entry** drafted by RNC chair Reince Priebus. Based on the context, we believe he wrote it at about 2 AM local time on Thursday, July 21.

Some nights, there just aren’t enough glasses of scotch.

I took this party over from inept managers, and we’ve created something. We’ve swept state legislatures,  the House, the Senate, governors’ mansions, the whole damn thing. And all under my leadership. I’ve built this thing back up. And the Democrat bench is decimated, and they get stuck with Hillary. It’s perfect.

So what happens? The giant fluke of all time. Trump finds an untapped vein on American politics, runs as a celebrity, and divides and conquers. Who could’ve guessed that?

The rest of us are acting responsibly. But Ted Freaking Cruz has to do his selfish thing. It’s *always* about him. He can’t leave well enough alone. He can’t put his head down, do his job, and come back for next time. No one is holier than St. Ted. The rest of us are all heretics.

At least Romney and Jeb keep a low profile and stay out of the way. At least they weren’t dumb enough to sabotage it with a third-party bid.

The reality here is straightforward. I’ve said this to officials a million times, and I’ll say it again. If we back him and he loses, no harm no foul, and we’ll get back to normal and win big in 2018 and 2020. This is all just a blip, a nightmare,  a bad memory. We’ll polish up the 2012 autopsy, we’ll get our donors back, and run with that. There’s probably going to be a recession anyway. Not the worst thing in the world to lose this year.

If we back him and he wins, Trump has built us a new majority, we’ve swept the whole government, and Paul can get him to sign anything. Trump’s a vulgar pain-in-the-ass, but we can work with him. We got him to put Mike on the ticket; Pence is solid and knows what to do. You don’t give up the White House when it’s right there for you! And worst case, we impeach and Pence gets the Oval.

And he’s no fascist. I’ve met him a billion times. He just talks loosely and knows how to rile people up. He’d be more responsible once he got the job. I’m sure of it.

But if we cut him out his backers will leave us forever, and everything we’ve built over these last few years goes away. And no one will respect the primary process ever again if we simply torpedo the will of the voters. That’ll kill our fundraising and party building; it’s simply not an option.

All this other stuff is just irrelevant trivia. These #NeverTrump jerks act like they’re the only ones with principles. Conservative social media is the worst, and cynical Ted is just pandering to them! They’re all passion, no smarts; he just plays them like a fiddle. Like, “Oh, Ted Cruz is so principled, he’s standing up for what he believes.” Bull. Cruz is a pandering opportunist who would stab any one of those admirers in the back if it got him a single additional vote. Right now, he’s on their side, but he could change that before I finish writing this sentence.

Let me be clear: I’m as conservative as anybody. But I’m a realist. If we don’t navigate this correctly, we’ll get crushed. This unproductive screaming at walls thing has to stop. You know what my conscience says? It says that I have to stop Hillary Clinton from becoming president and to protect the Republican Party from falling apart.

It’s my responsibility to win elections. It’s either us or the Democrats, and that’s that. I loathe Trump, but I have a job to do here. I wish it were otherwise, but the voters have spoken. (The bastards!) Our intellectuals should know better and should get in line.

Damn it, I’m out of Baileys and the liquor stores are all closed. Hopefully Sean has some, still, for the morning.

– Reince

**Disclaimer: This is not true.


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Dan Scotto lives and works in New Jersey. He has a master's degree in history, with a focus on the history of disease and the history of technology.

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6 thoughts on “From the Journal of Reince Priebus…

  1. As plausible an apology for the unfortunate Mr. Priebus as anything else I might think of: “If you’re going to have to eat the shit sandwich no matter what, well, let’s go ahead and get extra mayonnaise on it.”

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