My Friends, A Conspiracy Is Afoot

Imagine, for a second, that it’s August 27, 2012, and you’re in Tampa. If you need some assistance with that, go stand in a hot shower. Or the oven. I can wait.


You are at the Republican National Convention. Willard “Mitt” “Mittens” Romney is about to be crowned the Republican nominee for President of the United States. There’s his delegation over there. They seem nice enough. Men, in suits. Probably job creators. The salt of the earth, real Americans…. wait. What in God’s name are those flags they’re carrying?

Puerto RicoGuam? The Virgin IslandsThe Commonwealth of the Northern Marianas IslandsAmerican Samoa? … HAWAII?!?!

Sure, George W. Bush probably won in those places too. But he also won in real states. Like Iowa. Or Georgia. Or Alabamassippi. He was a real American. He didn’t need Hawaii to win a nomination or two elections.

Romney, though? He can’t win the nomination without those places. He can’t beat Rick Santorum, a real American, a man who shares our core values, without Guam.

Not to mention, do you know where Mitt Romney was born? Detroit. That’s not even in the United States. We have to import cars from there because Barack Obama has spent the last four years ruining the economy to the point where real, red-blooded American car companies can’t even compete with foreigners from Detroit. This is the guy we’re nominating?

And don’t even get me started on his religion.

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13 thoughts on “My Friends, A Conspiracy Is Afoot

    • Romney has won a wide range of urban areas in states Santorum or Gingrich won overall: Des Moines in Iowa, Denver in Colorado, Cincinnati in Ohio, Atlanta in Georgia and Birmingham in Atlanta, to name just a few.  The question the “real” Republicans need to be asking themselves is why their guy(s) can’t win amongst urban Republicans, and what the demographic trends in the US say about what that means in the general elections down the road.  There are, I’m sure, conservative solutions to urban problems; but to simply say that you’re the party of small-town America, and refuse to consider that the urban setting is different and requires different choices, is a recipe for long-term disaster.

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  1. What does this post have to do with anything relevant?  Romney is leading in the delegate count so he must have won some “real” places. I want the eventual nominee to have as much support from as many places and folks as possible.

    It was the UAW that ruined America’s car companies not Barry.  Chrysler (Fiat) can import all the cars they want from Detroit, I still wouldn’t buy one

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