Thursday Night Bar Fight #7: All Hail the Chief!

Good news, everyone!

Finally admitting to ineptitude and corruption, each of the two major political parties is throwing in the towel and admitting that as a general rule they’re really terrible at picking candidates.  Seeing no other reasonable and realistic alternative, each has approached the League to choose its 2016 nominees for President and Vice President.

More good news: SCOTUS has just ruled that we are allowed to use the same Imaginotoriumators we used to repel the alien invasion last week, if needed.  Further, they have ruled that any candidate from an Imaginotoriumator is considered constitutionally valid.   The candidates therefore could be from a non-U.S. place of origin, deceased, or entirely fictional. (Though the previous SCOTUS decision on Gods, Sons of Gods or Demigods does still hold.)

If you pick someone who is not currently a member of the party for which they are being nominated, you must make an argument for why he or she would make a good match for that party and its stated ideals.  Once both POTUS and VP candidates are in, the election will be held in the standard fashion.

There are, of course, a few catches.

In addition to possessing their inherent strengths, each candidate will also carry the burden of their inherent weaknesses. You must therefore weigh the strengths of character of a George Washington or Abraham Lincoln against the need for them to catch up on quite a bit of history, Constitutional law and technology.  Similarly, while the mind of a Thomas Jefferson might serve our country well, you’ll want to consider whether or not having been a slave owner makes him unelectable.

As well, your excitement and admiration for a candidate does not guarantee that others will share that enthusiasm.  A candidate that has certain great qualities and lacks charisma or rubs people the wrong way, therefore, may either not be able to win an election or not be able to lead once elected.

Also, you should be aware that trying to game the system is highly risky. Each party reserves the right to veto our choice after we make it, and will do so if they believe we are trying to tank them.  Should this happen, the rules state that the vetoing party’s nomination will go to the most bat-s**t  crazy, radical, extreme, partisan hack in their entire party apparatus; the primary election would then be replaced by a coin toss.  Because of this, it would be unwise to either nominate a “sandbag” candidate for the party you wish to lose, or choose a candidate that really represents your own party.  If you are a Democrat trying to force a liberal victory by putting up a Hilary Clinton for the GOP, for example, you’ll be a bad coin flip away from four years of a Dick MorrisKathy Shaidle administration.

Lastly, the country will be well aware of your part in choosing the candidates.  Pick a great administration and you’ll be something of a hero to the country at large.  Get too experimental and pick a dud and it will be hard to find anyone willing to hire, date, or not give you wedgies for the next four years.

And therein lies this Thursday Night Bar Fight quandary:

Who in all of space an time shall we nominate for both the Republican and Democratic ticket for 2016?

The country and its future is in your hands.

Ready? Go!

Follow Tod on Twitter, view his archive, or email him.

Please do be so kind as to share this post.
Share

126 thoughts on “Thursday Night Bar Fight #7: All Hail the Chief!

  1. Republican: Conor Friedersdorf. The bad is that he is under 35. The good is that it will be really interesting. I don’t agree with him on a lot of things. Other vote: Harry Andrew Blackmun. I always had a soft spot for Justice Blakmun.

    Democratic: John Rawls. I would like to see A Theory of Justice become actual practice.

      Quote  Link

    Report

  2. Areny you a bit early. One has to see the results of the midterm elections to make a reasonable selection. Some may win by not as much as expected or the alternative. (add also the elections this coming nov as well). Anyway IMHO its far to early to think about this, except if you have nothing else to worry about.

      Quote  Link

    Report

  3. whatever gets us a pay per view special of andrew jackson fighting genghis khan on the roof of the white house with sabers. even if the public hates the outcome (they’re both a-holes) all i gotta say is “i delivered the goods. jackson v. khan. suck it.”

      Quote  Link

    Report

  4. Republican: AM, of “I Have No Mouth and I must Scream” fame.

    Democrat: GLaDOS.

    Perhaps not the candidates America would ask for, but the ones she deserves.

      Quote  Link

    Report

  5. “Movie Stars Who Never Ran for Public Office, But Were Well Known as X”

    GOP – John Wayne / Charlton Heston
    DNC – Gregory Peck / Clark Gable

      Quote  Link

    Report

  6. R’s:

    Pres.: Captain Ahab
    VP: Foghorn Leghorn

    Ahab has a clear and powerful vision about what needs to be done and is single minded in his pursuit. A “decider.” He has a strong background in management, having run a high stakes, very succesful operation, travelling the world, gaining foreign policy experience, while running a business employing primarily of minorities. He is a great leader who everyone naturally wants to follow him. Moreover, the GOP is not pro-animal rights and is very pro-capital punishment for criminals. So they may gravitate to Ahab’s pro-capital punishment for whale’s stance.

    Foghorn Leghorn is less principled, but will win the talk-radio crowd in the primaries. Invincible in the veep debate and great on Sunday talk shows. Also has southern charm that the New Englander, protestant Ahab lacks.

    D’s

    Pres: Frodo Baggins
    VP: Mary Poppins

    Small town, rural background is very appealing. Wounded in combat. Is very soft on criminals and liberal with punishment, as seen in his sparing Gollum. Democrats will see him as someone who is finally above seeking political power and dominion over others, someone who is morally pure and above partisanship, (not like Obama or Kennedy, not at all) only to eventually realize he too does everything out of selfish, calculating desire for the ring of power, too. (But not until his second term.)

    Mary Poppins is the nanny state Democrat that we all yearn for. Her experience in education is a massive win for the D’s. Friend of working class and will bring the chimney sweep unions along with her. Could appeal to single moms. (Small problem with citizenship, but no more so than George Washington.)

    Libertarians:

    Pres: Don Quixote
    VP: Mr. Rogers

    Nothing is more quixotic than libertarianism.

    Mr. Rogers will help voters feel safe that the libertarians’ more radical policy solutions won’t be so scary.

      Quote  Link

    Report

    • Nah, Jesus was *really* hard on divorce (the only excuse being the *woman* screwing around), and hard on the ‘job creators’ having a special link to the Divine. He also gave away free healthcare, and said nothing about homosexuality.

        Quote  Link

      Report

  7. okay this seems fun. Note this will largely be a selection of ideological avatars.

    Dem Ticket

    Pres-FDR. I dont think either the right or left has ever really gotten over the new deal. I want to see it re fought with it’s creator at the helm. knew how to deal. being in the chair is probably going to be his biggest deficit running today.
    VP-John Adams. As the only president from the Federalist party stood for a strong federal gov and a federal bank, both things i like. As your vp is your attack dog also works well(did sign alien and sedition acts, proof positive he was willing to kick you inna fork to win) Very good lawyer as well.

    Rep Ticket.
    Pres-Ronald Reagan. Largely the same reason as FDR above. Is to a great deal workable social conservatism made form. flexible when working with congressional democrats proves willingness to compromise. never seemed entirely without empathy when talking to people different then him. also willing to kick a dog to win, much like adams
    VP-Adam Smith. Would represent the business wing better then anyone else on the planet. given time to catch up i could see him having a very politically winning economics platform.

    Green Party
    flip a coin on pres and vp.
    Jacques-Yves Cousteau
    Jane Goodall
    They both love the planet and the beasts of field and stream.

    Libertarian Party
    same coin flip
    Ayn Rand- represents a good chunk of libertarian belief. why not
    James Hanley or Roger, wherever wants it. both have good principles and very good at breaking complex ideas down into small enough bits that even nulls could understand.

    As a Side note i love the bar fights. mad Kudos tod

    THIS POST IS O.G. DUDE!

      Quote  Link

    Report

  8. Democrats: FDR and Woodrow Wilson.
    Republicans: Moses and Saint Paul.

    This on Mencken’s theory that democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard. Also in this scenario, I’m converting my life’s savings to Bitcoins.

      Quote  Link

    Report

  9. Can I just nominate all the French peasants from the Revolution? They’d work on both sides. They will leave the country in a bit of a mess, but it’s nothing we couldn’t fix and I don’t think we’d end up with a Emperor.

      Quote  Link

    Report

    • We would end up with two things above all others, and as a virtual certainty:

      1. Price controls on wheat.
      2. The Catholic Church is now the official religion of the state, and no one is allowed to be anything other than Catholic.

      Given the choice, I’d sooner have an emperor.

        Quote  Link

      Report

            • The French Revolution did all kinds of good things. The trouble is that later on it often undid them too, or else replaced them with something worse.

              The French Revolution ended:

              – the monarchy, of course
              – the privileges of the French nobility
              – entails and quitrents (technically part of the above, but very important)
              – the system of censorship
              – the peasants’ forced labor and other feudal obligations
              – the sale of offices and hereditary succession to them

              The French Revolution established:

              – France’s first representative legislature
              – the metric system
              – protections for the freedoms of conscience, petition, assembly, and property ownership
              – the right of divorce
              – civic equality for Jews
              – a republican tradition that endures in France to this day

              Quite good work, in all. But, as I said, that same revolution later took away or radically altered a lot of these things for the worse.

                Quote  Link

              Report

        • Beginning in 1793, the French peasantry revolted against the Jacobins in the capitol, and in favor of both the monarchy and the Church. The revolt in the Vendée was among the most bloody episodes of the entire era, and it is well known to anyone who has more than a saw-it-on-television knowledge of the French Revolution.

          But hey, I’m sure it feels good to talk at me like I’m an idiot. I hope you enjoyed it while it lasted.

            Quote  Link

          Report

  10. Democrats: Neil deGrasse Tyson and Carl Sagan. They would choose who would be on the top of the ticket. I’d hope that they would run as co-Presidents (guess we’d need an amendment for that, though). They’d pull the entire Green vote, as well.

    Republicans: Isaac Newton and Edward Teller. Teller wouldn’t stand for anyone else being at the top of the ticket, so he’d be the Pres candidate. Newton gets the theocons to vote and Teller gets the neocons to vote.

    Why? They’re scientists, and even a conservative scientist would be preferable to a politician (although, Teller is a bit frightening, I agree).

    Of course, I’m setting up a win for deGrasse Tyson/Sagan because I’m immensely biased.

      Quote  Link

    Report

  11. I would suggest Batman for the democrats.

    Pros: Tough on crime, fundraising edge and business experience, experienced at working with charities.
    Cons: very vulnerable to attacks from NRA on gun control issue.

    For Republicans I would suggest Horatio Hornblower
    Pros: Coming from the napolionic era he is very likely to be a strong social conservative, self made man with a military background.

    Cons: opposed to the death penalty and against flogging. May be seen as weak on terrorist interrogations by republicans.

      Quote  Link

    Report

  12. Democrats: Captain America for president. He’s got good foreign policy judgement (opposed the Vietnam War at high personal cost, unless I’m misremembering); obviously plenty of military experience; leadership role in the Avengers; raised by Irish immigrants in Manhattan in the ’30s so I’m assuming he’s an ardent new dealer; loved and respected nationwide.

      Quote  Link

    Report

  13. The Republican dream team: Ronald Reagan and Frederick Douglass.

    I think Democrats would be equally happy with Josiah Bartlet and Hillary Clinton on their ticket.

      Quote  Link

    Report

  14. Ecch, it’s not just any one President and his Veep. The questions I’d ask are “Who can do business with Congress? Who can put the best Cabinet together?”

    Far and away, the most effective president in terms of sheer legislative results was Lyndon Johnson, who had the most effective vice president ever, Hubert Humphrey. These days, the role of Veep has expanded and rightly so: the job of POTUS is now too big for any one man to handle.

    LBJ’s great weakness was his ship of fools, his Cabinet. For some reason, he hung onto JFK’s cabinet and for far too long. They were the idiots who got him waist deep in Vietnam: Johnson kinda looked at that situation and said “Oh well, I’m a domestic policy sorta guy, surely Kennedy must have seen something I didn’t here, so I’ll go with McNamara’s opinions on this.” McNamara rode roughshod over the military, which had always seen Vietnam as a Tar Baby. Clark Clifford, LBJ’s second SecDef, was a far better man: he set in motion most of what we would understand today as nuclear arms reduction treaties.

    Who would I choose for President and Veep from folks running around today? In that fantasy football situation, I might as well ask “who do you think would be a good QB for Green Bay?” without giving this guy the personnel to keep him alive in the pocket — or running backs or compatible wide receivers.

    The best presidential timber in the yard right now is clearly Hillary Clinton. As for her Veep, I’d pick Mark Udall of Colorado.

      Quote  Link

    Report

  15. For the Dems:

    Pres: Hadrian – great foresight, excellent manager, pagan, knew how to handle the Levant (leave it be), and knew what to do with Christian zealots (feed to lions). Also, all the Roman emperors knew how worthless a Senate really is.

    Veep: Vaclav Havel – Everything a veep should be able to do, Havel could do it better. Drink with rock stars, write poetry, he could help keep Hadrian humble.

    For the Republicans:

    Pres: Joan of Arc: Because Jesus could never win the nomination and they need to make some inroads with women. Also, she tends to whack all problems with a sharp stick and really is a martyr.

    Veep: Winston Churchill – put that bust back where it belongs. Churchill would also help remind the Republican party who our actual eternal ally really is. And you know he could out Cheney Dick Cheney if it came to it.

      Quote  Link

    Report

  16. Republican: Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh (In your megacolon, you know they’re right.)

    Democratic: Chris Christie and Rep. Patrick Murphy (D-Penn.) Christie can invite Springsteen to play at the inaugural, he get’s to give CPAC the mother of all neener-neener-neener’s and Murphy is an intriguing up-and-comer with a strong personal story.

      Quote  Link

    Report

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *