Good news, everyone!
Finally admitting to ineptitude and corruption, each of the two major political parties is throwing in the towel and admitting that as a general rule they’re really terrible at picking candidates. Seeing no other reasonable and realistic alternative, each has approached the League to choose its 2016 nominees for President and Vice President.
More good news: SCOTUS has just ruled that we are allowed to use the same Imaginotoriumators we used to repel the alien invasion last week, if needed. Further, they have ruled that any candidate from an Imaginotoriumator is considered constitutionally valid. The candidates therefore could be from a non-U.S. place of origin, deceased, or entirely fictional. (Though the previous SCOTUS decision on Gods, Sons of Gods or Demigods does still hold.)
If you pick someone who is not currently a member of the party for which they are being nominated, you must make an argument for why he or she would make a good match for that party and its stated ideals. Once both POTUS and VP candidates are in, the election will be held in the standard fashion.
There are, of course, a few catches.
In addition to possessing their inherent strengths, each candidate will also carry the burden of their inherent weaknesses. You must therefore weigh the strengths of character of a George Washington or Abraham Lincoln against the need for them to catch up on quite a bit of history, Constitutional law and technology. Similarly, while the mind of a Thomas Jefferson might serve our country well, you’ll want to consider whether or not having been a slave owner makes him unelectable.
As well, your excitement and admiration for a candidate does not guarantee that others will share that enthusiasm. A candidate that has certain great qualities and lacks charisma or rubs people the wrong way, therefore, may either not be able to win an election or not be able to lead once elected.
Also, you should be aware that trying to game the system is highly risky. Each party reserves the right to veto our choice after we make it, and will do so if they believe we are trying to tank them. Should this happen, the rules state that the vetoing party’s nomination will go to the most bat-s**t crazy, radical, extreme, partisan hack in their entire party apparatus; the primary election would then be replaced by a coin toss. Because of this, it would be unwise to either nominate a “sandbag” candidate for the party you wish to lose, or choose a candidate that really represents your own party. If you are a Democrat trying to force a liberal victory by putting up a Hilary Clinton for the GOP, for example, you’ll be a bad coin flip away from four years of a Dick Morris–Kathy Shaidle administration.
Lastly, the country will be well aware of your part in choosing the candidates. Pick a great administration and you’ll be something of a hero to the country at large. Get too experimental and pick a dud and it will be hard to find anyone willing to hire, date, or not give you wedgies for the next four years.
And therein lies this Thursday Night Bar Fight quandary:
Who in all of space an time shall we nominate for both the Republican and Democratic ticket for 2016?
The country and its future is in your hands.