They say breakfast is the most important meal of the day. I beg to differ. I rarely, if ever, eat breakfast. In part because I’m usually not very hungry in the morning. But mostly because any breakfast worth it’s salt (and, yes, ideal breakfasts are savory… or at least have a savory component) takes more time and effort than is usually available in the morning. If you offered me a perfectly made omelet every morning, I’d be unlikely to turn you down. But who has the time to dice the tomatoes and onions, shred the cheese, slice the mushrooms, and do whatever prep work a good omelet requires? No one. That’s who.
Where was I? OH YEA! The Mount Rushmore of breakfast meals. First, some ground rules. While I am not one for abiding by the nonsensical rules that attempt to arbitrarily dictate which foods should be eaten at what time of day (why the fish can’t I have a hamburger for breakfast?), for the sake of this argument, we are going to stick to fairly traditional breakfast meals. This means no dinner or lunch meals and, sadly, no brunch. Yes, the venn diagram of brunch foods and breakfast foods shares quite a bit of overlap but, still, we’re talking breakfast here. Second, four meals! FOUR FUCKING MEALS, PEOPLE! How many faces are on Mount Rushmore? FOUR! FOUR GODDAMN FACES! Anyone who offers five or three or six nominations is going to get tazed by your local SWAT team. Lastly, I’m going to apply a rather inconsistent and completely principle-free logic to allowing or disallowing foods to be grouped. So, I’ll accept “Bowl of cold cereal” as an answer if people don’t want to specify exactly what type of cereal but will not accept “Eggs” without a specific preparation offered. Hey, I don’t make the rules. Well, I do, but whatever. If you don’t like it, complain in the comments.
Without further ado…
I know, I know. Predictable. Boring. Lame. But close your eyes and think of breakfast. Odds are an image of a bowl of cereal enters your mind almost immediately. And there is a certain brilliance and utter joy contained in that bowl. Choose a cereal you love. Maybe you’ve got a sweet tooth and want some Lucky Charms. Or maybe the simplicity of Cheerios and the sliiiiiiiight bit of saltiness gets your gears going. Whatever it is, fill that bowl and top it off with some real milk. None of that skim bullshit. 2%, minimum. Whole milk ideally. Or if you are completely crazy like my grandmother, pour the heavy cream in there and serve it with a knife, fork, and coupon for an angioplasty. And ignore what the “health experts” say… go for the bottomless bowl. Still got milk left in there? Top it off with more cereal! A good initial milk pour will get you at least two semi-refills. And based on fat boy math, you can still claim that as a single bowl of cereal. Brilliant, eh?
Sausage, Egg, and Cheese on an Everything Bagel
Bagels alone — at least for those from the New York area — could stand alone on this mount. A good bagel is a treat all on its own. But a well-crafted and perfectly balanced sausage, egg, and cheese on a toasted everything bagel is a thing of beauty. It’s hearty and filling and a great way to start a long day. And none of that turkey sausage crap. Use the real shit. Pork, baby.
I’m going to make this simple: waffles:pancakes::pizza:dog food. Waffles are the shit and make pancakes look like a bunch of sad sack losers who have no idea what the word “texture” means.
Of all the items on this list, this probably has the biggest boom or bust potential. Even a cruddy waffle can be saved by syrup. But all the Cholula in the world can’t save a crappy huevos rancheros dish. But when done right? Corn tortillas (really, the only tortillas), beans, cheese, onions, chili sauce, eggs, and, ideally, some sautéed veggies topped off with the aforementioned hot sauce… a thing of beauty. Like the bagel sandwich, this one will fill you up and leave you ready to tackle the day.
That’s what I got? WHAT YOU GOT??? Bring it strong!
(OH BY THE WAY, hat tip to whichever OTer recommended this as a topic.)