Fantasy Football: Week 5 (and Football Season open thread)

Week in Review: Week 5

Express Rolls Through Minnesota and Stops at Denver!!!!!

Thanks to a huge performance by the Denver defense the Thunderlips Express gained its fourth win in a row. This came despite having a Brown out for the second week in a row. Coach Team Johnson was stubborn again in Manning his ship and it caused them to sink into 6th place. The win was yet again a barnacle on the bench with a swing of 21 points between Peyton and Andy. The Week in Review must wonder how much longer this will go on before Manning mans the bench instead of the helm. Tu met with coach Dman after the win.

Tu: {grumble} Another win coach.
Dman: Oh Yeah! The Thunderlips Express is in first place!
Tu: Sheesh, gloat much? Act like you have been there before.
Dman: But… I haven’t been there before. Not in two plus years….
Tu: Sigh, no pity parties either please. So, do you have concerns about the lack of output by Antonio Brown?
Dman: Yes, it makes me hope Big Ben comes back soon. Though Taylor has been a good pick up.
Tu: And now that he is out for a couple weeks what is your next plan?
Dman: What? He is out?? {Fumbles with his computer} Holy crap what is it with all the guys I pick getting injured?!?
Tu: I ask the questions coach… So, any comment on how rough you are with the players you pick and them constantly getting injured?
Dman: That damn echo is back….

Freak and Peak of the Week

The Left Shark is dancing all the way to the bank these days. This week coach Burt had the pinnacle pentacle performance from Rodgers, Sanders, Forsett, Gates, and Robinson. There was only one player that did not meet or beat their projections and that lead to the overwhelming victory. Still, it did not help that coach Timothy continues to Deflate his ball… team’s chances with playing people on byes for the week. Tu asked coach Burt a few questions after the game.

Tu: Congratulations on the win, coach, got any —
Burt: Oh, look, it’s the Ouija Reporter. I guess you thought we were a Dark Horse to win this week?
Tu: Well, we are wondering why you sat DeMarco Murray.
Burt: He runs Hot n Cold. This week, he was like a Firework, but that’s not reliable.
Tu: And you sat Carson Palmer, who got more points than Aaron “two interceptions at home” Rodgers.
Burt: I stand by Rodgers, the Best Quarterback On The Planet™. Unconditionally.
Tu: Were you concerned about Antonio Gates? Afraid he’d been distracted by all those California Gurls while he was suspended?
Burt: I’ll make the Katy Perry jokes around here, Mr. Ouija Reporter. And no, my biggest concern was our opponent using the start-a-top-player-on-bye strategy that was so effective last year. But we played Wide Awake football out there. Getting more wins than you skeptics predicted is going to feel better than a Teenage Dream.
Tu: What are the team’s plans for beating the projection?
Burt: We’re planning a Ouija board bonfire at midfield. You’re going to hear me Roar!
Tu: Maybe your projection’s going to be The One That Got Away, coach.

Bleak of the Week

With the projected mismatch of 23 points, the Uffington Horsemen had the win in the bag. But you should not count your chickens before they hatch as the ProdigalAccipitridae blew the coup and projections for the win this week. Led by the Four Footballmen of the Apocalypse Brees, Edelman, Bell, and Eifert (who?) coach Jaybird is continuing to fly high with the win and left devastation in their wake for coach Bill .

Weak of the Week

Miss Mary’s Men might have missed Martin for the matchup, not to mention mangling the tight end position this week with playing a player on a bye. Plus poor performances perpetrated by Ryan, Green, and Allen. Caused coach Meaghan consecutive weeks with only double digits. Yet Luck was with her to be playing the Luckless team of the Partisan Warriors. Who look like they have thrown in the towel for this season by playing three players either out or on bye. coach Jesse can wave bye, bye to anymore wins.

The Ouija Board

Danger! Danger! Week in Review! The first miss is on the horizon with the Left Shark leaving their projections behind. As with last year the Week in Review will use the projected ties to fill in wins and losses, but still coach Burt is about to break it wide open.

Thunderlips Express: 7 – 2 aka: The Anointed Ones
ProdigalAccipitridae: 7 – 2
Minnesota Vikings: 4 – 4 – 1
Miss Mary’s Men: 4- 5
Partisan Warriors: 5 – 2 – 2
Undeflatermaus: 5 – 4
Uffington Horsemen: 2 – 7
Return of Left Shark: 0 – 8 – 1

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Jaybird is Birdmojo on Xbox Live and Jaybirdmojo on Playstation's network. He's been playing consoles since the Atari 2600 and it was Zork that taught him how to touch-type. If you've got a song for Wednesday, a commercial for Saturday, a recommendation for Tuesday, an essay for Monday, or, heck, just a handful a questions, fire off an email to

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4 thoughts on “Fantasy Football: Week 5 (and Football Season open thread)

  1. Ok, this week I actually logged on and looked at my line up. No one is on a bye and no one is injured, as far as I can tell. Whew, looks like I squeaked by last week.

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    The NFL. US Copyright law. Gawker Media. 21st century sports journalism. A battle on terrain that hits most of Ordinary Times recurring topics, and has Eastern Front sensibilities in that there isn’t anybody one would root for as a general practice.

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