Fantasy Football: Week 7 (and Football Season open thread)

(This is another guest post from Dman!)

Week in Review:Week 7

The Week in Review has terrible news. After testing the ashes of last weeks Ouija Board bonfire, the lab confirmed that Cecil the Ouija Board was in the ashes. We have placed Cecil’s remains in a prominent place in the office and anyone can come by to pay respects to Cecil. He will never be forgotten. And the Week in Review’s lawyers have not been forgotten either. They are hard at work to see what can be done about this tragedy.

11th Hour Breakthrough Leads Warriors to Derail the Express!!!

The Warriors finally stopped the Partisan bickering to post their highest total to date. It came from the Gang of Four Luck, Woodhead, Evans, and Walsh (yes, a kicker scored more than any of coach Dman’s players but one). Coach Dman tried Manning the Express, but it turned out as well as the Vikings do with Grandpa Manning. Along with a dismal outing from the Pittsburgh defense, it was a long kiss goodnight for Thunderlips. To make matters worse, the best player on the team just went out with yet another injury. Tu waded through the protesters to talk to coach Dman.

Tu: Ouch, tough loss to the basement team of the league coach.
{Protesters: We Won’t Waiver!}
Dman: Hey, get out of the way. Who are all these people anyway?
Tu: I ask the questions coach. Any comment on all the available players in the league protesting your man handling of the poor players you pick up on the waiver wire?
{Protesters: WE Won’t Waiver!}
Dman: What? I have every right to pick up players off the waiver wire. I can’t help it if they get injured.
Tu: Save it for the judge, coach. Any comment on Arian Foster suing you personally for creating an unsafe working environment? He did go down with a season ending injury this week and you had picked him up on the waiver wire a few week ago.
{Protesters: WE won’t WAIVER!}
Dman: You have GOT to be kidding me. These pampered little.. {The rest of coach Dman’s statement has been redacted after the Thunderlips Express lawyers handed the Week in Review an injunction.}
Tu: Wow, coach. That was incredibly inflammatory.
{Protesters: WE WON’T WAIVER!}

Peak of the Week

In a week of upsets, Undeflatermaus rose to the challenge of hitting two birds with one stone. Coach Timothy’s Holy Cow Trinity of Jones, Miller, and the Tannehill scored more than coach Jaybird’s entire team. Which was a good thing since they had a player still rocking the donut. This win had the added bonus of jumping coach Timothy’s team above the ProdigalAccipitridae in the rankings. For the ProdigalAccipitridae, they still had five players score at or above projection, but the other four were so below their expected numbers that it dropped the team to the second lowest amount for the week. Tu talked with coach Jaybird after the game.

Tu: Tough loss, coach.
Jaybird: I went back and I said “well, what could I have done?” and I looked at my bench and saw that if I had swapped out kickers, instead of getting 103 points, I could have gotten 109.
Tu: Nothing else?
Jaybird: Everybody else was on a bye. It’s kind of creepy.
Tu: So what’s the plan?
Jaybird: I try not to plan. I try to improvise.
Tu: So what’s the improvisation?
Jaybird: What’s happening next year? Maybe we can do something with that team.

Squeak and Streak of the Week

Burnt Ouija boards be damned, the first miss of the season has officially happened as coach Burt’s team left the Ouija board’s projection in ashes. Even with the team being out of sync with two players laying the molten goose eggs, the team was lifted up by Palmer, Hilton, and the Saint Louis Defense. This feeding frenzy that The Return of the Left Shark have been on has catapulted them into 3rd place and a tie for the best record. Tu tried to talk with coach Burt after the game.

Tu: That was a nail-biter, coach. Tell me, what was watching Monday night football was like for you this week?
Burt: That’s fantasy football for you! Carson Palmer versus his own defense, with the game in the balance. Could have gone either way until the very last play. Exciting, huh?
Tu: I see that Antonio Gates didn’t play. That’s just the latest in a string of missteps at tight end for the Left Sharks. What happened with that decision?
Burt: I don’t call that a “misstep.” Yeah, it didn’t work out, but at 6:00 in the morning, Gates playing or not was a game-time decision not yet made by the Chargers. My other option was Charles Clay, working off a backup QB, in London. I opted for the high-reward but calculated gamble. If it had paid off, I’d have had the most productive tight end in the game working on my roster.
Tu: “Most productive tight end”? That’s unusually strong praise for a guy who started the season out on a four-game suspension.
Burt: Who’s better than him? That Gronkowski fellow who catches the flaccid footballs? He averages 18 points a game. Gates averages 22. Do the math, Mr. Ouija Board reporter.
Tu: But Gronk’s healthy, and you’ve got to play at all to get any points.
Burt: Oy. Everyone’s a critic. So why don’t you do your job already, and ask me about my plans for the big game for first place next week, against Coach Dman?
Tu: Big game next week, coach, first place on the line and Dman only just barely squeaked by you last time. So what are your plans?
Burt: I plan on winning. And the way I plan on winning is that I plan to accumulate more points than the other team.
Tu: Good idea! So how are you going to do that?
Burt: Well, for starters, I’ve got The Best Quarterback On The Planet™ rested and ready to go.
Tu: I notice the quarterback you’re referring to is up against the #1 pass defense in the NFL. So why not play Randall Cobb right along with him and get two donut holes instead of one?
Burt: Look, Mr. Ouija Reporter, if I wanted an argument, I’d go talk to one of those damned lawyers I hired to deal with that Cecil the Ouija Board thing.
Tu: Aha! So do you have any comment on the Cecil situation?
Burt: Yeah. Here’s my comment. Take this down. Are you ready? I want you to get this right. “This. Interview. Is. Over.” O-V-E-R. [Turns to walk away]
Tu: Thanks, coach. See you next week, in fulfillment of your contractual obligations to answer questions at press conferences!
Burt: Grrrrr……

Freak of the Week

The roller coaster ride that Miss Mary’s Men are on has reached a new low. Low score that is. The same team that holds the record of the highest score in the league of 207 points now holds the record for lowest points scored by a team too. Of course, it did not help that Coach Meagan played three players on bye and because of that, waved bye bye to any chance at a win. The Vikings finally made Manning man the waiver wires and placed themselves on the Rivers. This move paid off quite well and was a large cause for them achieving the Freak of the Week.

The Ouija Board

Cecil the Ouija Board is dead and so are his predictions as the Return of the Left Shark has already surpassed their predicted wins with over half the season to go. Also the ProdigalAccipitridae are dangerously close to going over the number of losses predicted. Next week will be a big week as the top two records will face off head to head. Will the predictions jump the Shark or will it be the kiss of death from Thunderlips? Find out later this week!

Thunderlips Express: 6 – 1 aka: The Anointed Ones
ProdigalAccipitridae: 7 – 0
Minnesota Vikings: 3 – 3- 1
Miss Mary’s Men: 3- 4
Partisan Warriors: 4 – 1 – 2
Undeflatermaus: 3 – 4
Uffington Horsemen: 2 – 5
Return of Left Shark: (1)- 8 -0

(Photo is “Rock Dennis tackles Taylor Wardlow” by John McStravick. Used under a Creative Commons License.)

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Jaybird is Birdmojo on Xbox Live and Jaybirdmojo on Playstation's network. He's been playing consoles since the Atari 2600 and it was Zork that taught him how to touch-type. If you've got a song for Wednesday, a commercial for Saturday, a recommendation for Tuesday, an essay for Monday, or, heck, just a handful a questions, fire off an email to

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6 thoughts on “Fantasy Football: Week 7 (and Football Season open thread)

  1. After getting more yards in the air than anyone else in Pennsylvania and proving surprisingly difficult to intercept, Chip Kelly has outbid the Army and signed JLEMS to a 3.4 billion dollar contract.

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  2. Broncos – Packers from Denver tonight. I’m hoping that the camera crews spent the last couple afternoons up in the high country getting plenty of snow shots. The Front Range is getting kind of crowded, and we don’t need more people who might be thinking about relocating see the last two afternoons of 70-ish and brilliant sunshine…

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