Fantasy Football: Week 8 (and Football Season open thread)

(This is another guest post from Dman!)

Week in Review: Week 8

Immovable Left Shark Meets Irresistible Express!!!!!!

The teams with the top two records squared off this week. It came down to a kicker vs a wide receiver. The kicker needed to score 16 points more than the receiver. He did not and scored only 15 more. So the first tie of the season has occurred and it will have to wait until week 13 for the Return of the Left Shark’s tie maker opportunity to come again. This game was mainly a tale of two quarterbacks. Coach Burt stepped away from the Bust Quarterback On The Planet ™ which could have turned into a real face Palmer, but it turned out to be all the Right Sharks moves. Carson scored 42 to Roger’s 6. Then Coach Dman stopped Manning the Express to go back to Big Bust. Eli only outscored Ben three times over. Tu waded through the two sets of protesters, one burning effigies for Coach Dman and the other angrily shaking Ouija Boards, to talk with both coaches after the game.

Tu: Great tie coach. What… wait who are these two gentlemen besides you?
Dman: {flanked by two men in cheap suits} Sigh, these are Thunderlips Express’ Lawyers.
Tu: I see. Any comment on the continued lawsuits by the Available Player’s Union?
Dman: I can’t believe the judge did not throw….
Lawyer 1: {Puts a hand on Dman’s shoulder} My client has no comment.
Tu: Very well. Any comment on Calvin Johnson and Brandon Marshall each joining suit with Arian Foster over an unsafe work environment with both spraining their ankles?
Dman: Oh come on. Those…..
Lawyer 2: {Puts a hand on Dman’s shoulder} My client has no comment.
Tu: Sigh, any comment on dropping the second highest scorer of the week to the bench and squeaking out a tie?
Dman: … No comment
Tu: No Kidding

Tu: Why did you go with Carson Palmer instead of Aaron Rodgers, coach? Was it the prediction of a strong Denver defense?
Burt: The truth is, I didn’t —
Lawyer 3: — My client has no public comment about any prediction nor any predictive device.
Burt: Kevin, I wasn’t —
Lawyer 3: You have no comment, so maybe the next question is in order.
Tu: Did you see a tie happening at all when you were 15 points in the lead on Monday morning, coach?
Lawyer 3: I thought I made clear that there would be no comment about predictive activities.
Tu: Okay, let’s talk about the past, then. Coach, what happened with T.Y. Hilton?
Burt: That’s what I’d like to know! Two measly points? How was I supposed to anticipate that?
Lawyer 3: Stop. We need to not comment on what could or could not have been “anticipated,” Burt. To “anticipate” something is to “predict” it. Remember what we talked about before. Next question, sir.
Tu: What are your plans for the late-season rematch with Thunderlips?
Burt: [Looks at lawyer.] I… I can’t answer that, can I?
Lawyer 3: [Shakes head in the negative.]
Burt: Let’s try again, Mr. Ouija Board Repo–
Lawyer 3: –All right, I think that’s quite enough. No further comments or questions. My client intended no disrespect and was referencing no particular object nor any activity by his highly ambiguous and obviously incomplete statement and clearly did not intend to reference any ongoing litigation. [Guides Burt away from microphone.]
Burt: What, I can’t even say I was surprised at the tie? Super long odds, and–
Lawyer 3: –This is for your own good, Burt. Let’s go.
Tu: Then I guess we are done here after all. Strangest season yet. Maybe Coach Jaybird won’t be lawyered up….

Peak and Freak of the Week

ProdigalAccipitridae soared high on a strong Brees this week with the player scoring the most points of any player this year. While the wind was taken out of the Vikings’ sails for coach Jaybird’s team posting the second highest points total for the season. Even though coach Team Johnson floated down the Rivers and Philip was better than Dalton, that was not enough to make up for the grief of Moncrief being on a team with no healthy amount of Luck and the woes Witten into the Dallas offense trying to storm the Cassell. Each scores a paltry three points.Tu caught up with Coach Jaybird after the impressive win.

Tu: Incredible game coach.
Jaybird: I won? Holy crap! I won! HEY! I WON!
Tu: Surprised?
Jaybird: Well, last week I figured that my team would limp across to an 8-8 season in a team of 8 people bringing me to somewhere around 8th place?
Tu: At this point 4-4 will limp you to a tie for 6th place.
Jaybird: At least it’s not a tie for 7th.
Tu: Any real plans to change the team?
Jaybird: Well, the depth of the available players is pretty impressive. Ooh! Eric Decker is on there! He played for me last year!
Tu: Thinking about trading, then?
(Jaybird takes sock out of his pocket and makes an impromptu hand puppet.)
Jaybird’s Hand: On the advisement of council, my client has no comment.
Tu: Of course he doesn’t.

Bleak of the Week

If you thought the bickering would stop after one week, you thought wrong. The Warriors renewed their Partisan gridlock this week with four players scoring above projections while the other five scored well below. The deadlock allowed the Horsemen to trample over coach Jesse’s team with Tom Brady leading the charge. Normally a 42 point outing would be tops in the league but when other signal callers dial up a six and seven touchdown game all it does it make you tied for third place.

Pique of the Week

Up, down, up, down. Will the real Miss Mary’s Men please raise your hand. This week Miss Mary’s Men mauled the maligned Undeflatermaus. Coach Timothy’s collapse stemmed from only two players scoring above their projections. This lack of production punctured any chance of a win, while Coach Megan must have had a fit of pique over the lackluster and lame performance for last week’s league game. Her Men responded and fired on all but two cylinders. Bernard and Lacy, Coach Megan is NOT happy with you. I guess next week they will double their projections…

The Ouija Board

Until a full review of the law, the week in review will not discuss any more about Cecil the Ouija Board. The situation is getting out of hand with death threats towards Coach Burt. Please let the law take care of this. As for the predictions, The Left Shark continues to be out of synch. The Thunderlips Express has one tie that was not expected, but we will adjust that to a win or loss as the season goes on. And now the Partisan Warriors are close to breaking predictions.

Thunderlips Express: 6 – 1 – (1) aka: The Anointed Ones
ProdigalAccipitridae: 6 – 0
Minnesota Vikings: 3 – 2 – 1
Miss Mary’s Men: 2 – 4
Partisan Warriors: 4 – 0 – 2
Undeflatermaus: 3 – 3
Uffington Horsemen: 1 – 5
Return of Left Shark: (2) – 8 – 0

(Photo is “Rock Dennis tackles Taylor Wardlow” by John McStravick. Used under a Creative Commons License.)


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Jaybird is Birdmojo on Xbox Live and Jaybirdmojo on Playstation's network. He's been playing consoles since the Atari 2600 and it was Zork that taught him how to touch-type. If you've got a song for Wednesday, a commercial for Saturday, a recommendation for Tuesday, an essay for Monday, or, heck, just a handful a questions, fire off an email to AskJaybird-at-gmail.com

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