Fantasy Football: Week 9 (and Football Season open thread)

(This is another guest post from Dman!)

Week in Review: Week 9

Dear readers, it is with heavy hearts that our lawyers have concluded that in the country Cecil the Ouija Board’s Preserve case was at, it was legal to to lure it out and make it look like a discarded Ouija Board. We in no way condone the behavior, but try and put this tragedy behind us.

Express Stopped By a Bird on the Tracks!!!!!

Typically the team with the player that has the most points for the entire week can win the game. But this time the Holy Cow Trinity of Walker (Who?), Brees, and Jeffery was enough to overcome the Brown Outstanding performance. It was the other players who decided it though with all but two players on Coach Jaybirds team flying higher than projected while five players on coach Dman’s team left Thunderous gaps between projection and reality, giving the Express the kiss of death at the end. Tu waded through to growing protests surrounding the locker rooms to talk to both coaches.

Tu: Wow, coach the protests against you keep getting bigger. Has this started to affect your ga –
Lawyer1: You can stop right now Mr. Nosi, this {slaps a piece of paper on Tu’s mike) is a cease and desist notice to your inflammatory rhetoric against our client.
Tu: What? But another player, Big Ben, has joined the lawsuit against you. That makes fiv-
Lawyer2: That is enough Mr. Nosi. If you continue to badger our client we will ask for a restraining order to be placed on you.
Tu: You can’t do this! Coach Dman has a contractual obligation to talk to the press after the game.
Lawyer1: And we will. There is a CNBC reporter over there looking lost after the GOP debate. He looks much more friendly. This interview is over.
Tu: I thought that we wouldn’t be discussing politics here…
Jaybird: That’s what I said!
Tu: Oh, you’re still around.
Jaybird: I’m back, baby!
Tu: Winning two in a row is a good streak to be on, do you think you can keep it up?
Jaybird’s Handpuppet: On the advisement of council, my client has no comment.
Tu: Really?
Jaybird’s Handpuppet: The most important thing a client can do is SHUT UP.
Tu: So after weeks of a 50/50 record, you’re finally up and you’re not even willing to talk about what that might mean?
Jaybird’s Handpuppet: As I said…
Jaybird: No, I’m going to take this one. Tu, lemme tell ya, there have been three highest scores of the season so far and two of them are mine.
Tu: The other being Miss Mary’s.
Jaybird: Exactly. What I am trying to figure out is how we go from getting one of the lowest scores of the week with a full team of people and then, the next week, WHAMMO, getting the 2nd highest score of the season. I just don’t get it.
Tu: So you do *NOT* think that you can keep this up?
Jaybird: That’s why they play the games, Tu.
Tu: …
Jaybird: No. I don’t.

Reek of the Week

The out of Left field wins for the Sharks keep piling up. This week, a ten point underdog turns out the second highest score for the week. To do this coach Burt kicked Rogers out of the Carr again and called him a Gurley man. While Aaron beat Derek in points, they both scored more than any player on the Vikings. For coach Team Johnson, they will be getting a bunch of Moncrief about their poor choices to that road on the bench. Who benches Adrian Peterson? Tu worked his way through the angry crowd to talk to coach Burt.

Tu: Coach! Coach! Why did you bench Rodgers for the second week in a row?
Crowd: NO CECIL, NO JUSTICE! [clap clap clap] NO CECIL, NO JUSTICE! [clap clap clap]
Burt: This is effing ridiculous. Get over here to the side!
Tu: Coach, can you hear me? WHY’D YOU BENCH RODGERS?
Burt: What? No, Johnny Bench played for the Reds, not the Dodgers!
Tu: Is is true that you’re looking to trade a backup QB?
Crowd: BOO! BOO! BOARD-BURNER!
Burt: What?
Tu: The TRADE RUMORS!
Burt: Yeah! We’re up to our armpits in top quarterbacks over here! The Best Quarterback On The Planet™ is our guy from here on out!
Crowd: BOARD-KILLER!
Tu: [Finally edges closer] What if Aaron gets hurt?
Burt: I only need one of Palmer or Carr, and they’re both putting up elite numbers.
Tu: You’re in first place, coach. Nowhere to go but down!
Burt: Well now THAT’S a real vote of confidence, Mr. — Wait, my lawyers say I need a new nickname for you.
Crowd: BOYCOTT BURT! BOYCOTT BURT! BOOOO-O-O-O-O-O!
Burt: That’s it, I don’t need this [expletive redacted]. [Leaves]
Tu: Hey wait, coach, so what’s my new nickname? … I guess I’ll have to wait until next week to find out.

Weak and Freak? of the Week

The rollercoaster does not stop for Miss Mary’s Men. Yet this low spot in the ride was a fit of Pique from coach Megan as she left in three players injured or on a bye playing. Yet the 36 points left on the bench would still have placed her team with the lowest score for the week. The Horsemen tried some of the same Boldin strategy by having their own team start a player projected to have a goose egg and, boy, did the player hit that mark. Still the third lowest total for the week was enough to beat the lowest total.

Bleak of the Week

You know your season is collapsing when the worst team in the league squashes you by 35 points. But that is what happens when six players score at or below projection and one of those projections was for zero points! Maybe coach Timothy was waving bye, bye for this week, since he had four players on their week off. For the Warriors, the bickering continued, but the pro-win side won a lot more points then the pro-loss side lost.

The Ouija Board

This seems to be the year of unknowns. A bunch of teams have had huge performances from relatively unknown players. This week was D Walker, last week, Diggs and so on. Who will the next week’s unknown hero? The Ouija Board is starting to look pretty bad with multiple teams about to go off prediction.

Thunderlips Express: 6 – 0 – (1) aka: The Anointed Ones
ProdigalAccipitridae: 5 – 0
Minnesota Vikings: 3 – 1 – 1
Miss Mary’s Men: 2 – 3
Partisan Warriors: 3 – 0 – 2
Undeflatermaus: 2 – 3
Uffington Horsemen: 0 – 5
Return of Left Shark: (3) – 8 – 0

(Photo is “Rock Dennis tackles Taylor Wardlow” by John McStravick. Used under a Creative Commons License.)


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Jaybird is Birdmojo on Xbox Live and Jaybirdmojo on Playstation's network. He's been playing consoles since the Atari 2600 and it was Zork that taught him how to touch-type. If you've got a song for Wednesday, a commercial for Saturday, a recommendation for Tuesday, an essay for Monday, or, heck, just a handful a questions, fire off an email to AskJaybird-at-gmail.com

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One thought on “Fantasy Football: Week 9 (and Football Season open thread)

  1. Real NFL note: Craig Wrolstad, referee of this past week’s MNF game, got his start in the local officials’ association while my father was one of the officers. So my bloodline bears partial responsibility for the state of officiating this year (for good or evil).

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