Fantasy Football: Week 12 (and Football Season open thread)

(This is another guest post from Dman!)

Week in Review: Week 12

Express Rolls Over Dysfunctional Warriors!!!!

Thunderlips wasted a huge performance on the bipolar Partisan Warriors. Coach Dman had a Holy Cow Trinity in Johnson, Taylor, and Marshall. Those three almost scored as much as the Warriors’ entire team. For coach Jesse, his bench almost scored as much as the team fielded and that was with no Luck. Nu Nosi talked with coach Dman after the win.

{The field is quiet. A tumbleweed blows across the empty area in from of the locker room.}
Nu: Wow, coach, that was a solid win.
Dman: WHAT! YOU HAVE TO SPEAK UP WITH ALL THE PROTESTERS!!!
Nu: Uh, coach, I do not see any protesters.
Dman: WHAT?!?
Nu: Sigh, fine. GREAT WIN COACH.
Dman: THANKS, IT WAS NICE TO SEE AFTER A COUPLE OF LOSSES.
Nu: WHY DID YOU LEAVE BIG BEN ON THE BENCH?
Dman: HE NEEDED TO LEARN NOT TO BRING FAKE LAWSUITS AGAINST ME!
Nu: DID HE LEARN HIS LESSON?
Dman: HE WAS SO ANGRY HE TOOK HIMSELF OUT OF HIS GAME! I CALL THAT A SUCCESS!
Nu: YOU FORGOT TO MAKE ANY CHANGES THIS WEEK, DIDN’T YOU?
Dman: ….. Sheesh, you do not need to yell that all over the stadium, Nu.

Meek of the Week

While it was a close projection, the Return of Left Shark left the two highest scoring players on the bench. Still, these players would not have been enough to beat the hard charging Horsemen. Uffington tried to make it close by leaving their best player on the bench too, but who would have taken Wilson over the Brady Bunch. Though Brady still almost doubled the benched Bust Quarterback On The Planet. Nu talked with coach Burt after the game.

Nu: Tough loss, coach. How are you feeling about your team’s playoff chances?
Burt: Playoffs? Don’t talk to me about… playoffs! Are you kidding me? Playoffs? I just hope we can win a game!
Nu: You sound upset, coach.
Burt: Yeah, I’m upset. We fell fifty points below our projection!
Nu: Well, where’s the most glaring problem?
Burt: I’m gonna say “Defense.” Choosing between St. Louis and Philadelphia is like choosing between eating boiled eggplant skin or curdled cat vomit.
Nu: That’s… yuck. Isn’t the real problem quarterback performance?
Burt: And what am I supposed to do about that? The Best Quarterback On The Planet ™ only generated one point more than Palmer.
Nu: My brother asked you this question, and I don’t think you’ve ever answered it. Is Aaron Rodgers REALLY the best quarterback on the planet?
Burt: I did answer it, and I’ll answer it again. Yes. Look at the numbers. Without his #1 receiver and with a questionable offensive line, he’s still put up 297 points.
Nu: But the top-scoring quarterback this year is Tom Brady and—
Burt: Again with the Tom Brady love! Does this run in the family? Look, fellas, if you love this Brady guy so much, go marry him!
Nu: Coach, where are you going?
Burt: I have to answer five press questions to comply with my contract. I was gonna give you six but then we’re back to this weird Tom Brady fetish. I’m out of here.
Nu: But …
Burt: [Over his shoulder] You’re off to a bad start here, Mr. Baby Goat Brother!

Weak of the Week

Speaking of teams leaving their best players on the bench, both ProdigalAccipitridae and Undeflatermaus had high scoring players polishing the pine. For coach Jaybird, Stafford alone was over half the points his entire team scored. While coach Timothy left three players on the bench who almost scored as much as HIS entire team. This seems to be the week of lost opportunity, yet the third lowest score of the week will always beat the lowest score. Nu spoke with coach Jaybird after the win.

Nu: Feeling proud of yourself, Coach?
Jaybird: I’m mostly feeling confused.
Nu: And why is that?
Jaybird: It says here that the Lions are good.
Nu: You’re looking at the 2014 numbers.
Jaybird: Oh, they’re 4-7.
Nu: But, mirroring your week, it doesn’t matter how crappy you are if you’re less crappy than the Eagles.
Jaybird: Wait, the Eagles are crappy? I thought they were good!
Nu: You’re looking at the 2014 numbers.
Jaybird: Oh, they’re 4-7.
Nu: So will you be playing the Lions QB or the New Orleans QB this Sunday?
Jaybird: Well, Stafford did pretty good last week but he’s playing against Green Bay this Sunday and they’re pretty good.
Nu: Well, they’re 7-4… not bad but nothing to write home about.
Jaybird: While, ooh, check this out, Drew Brees is playing against the Carolina Panthers! They’re an expansion team!
Nu: You’re looking at… you know what? I’m beginning to understand why you spend so much time talking about Tebow.

Pique of the Week

And the misses continue, Miss Mary’s Men muffed multiple times with Landry and Reed moping on the bench. Though coach Team Johnson left Williams on the bench as well. So the roller coaster continues with coach Megan. Win one week, lose the next, highest score of the League one week, and the lowest score the next. Miss Mary’s Men might be the scariest team heading into the playoffs, no one knows what team will show up.

The Ouija Board

In a week of misses on the benches, this was also a week of misses for the Ouija board. Half the teams are now off script.

Thunderlips Express: 4 – (1) – (1) aka: The Fallen Anointed Ones
ProdigalAccipitridae: 4 – (2)
Minnesota Vikings: 0 – 1 – 1
Miss Mary’s Men: 1 – 1
Partisan Warriors: 2 – 0 – 0
Undeflatermaus: 1 – 1
Uffington Horsemen: (2) – 4
Return of Left Shark: (4) – 6 – 0

(Photo is “Rock Dennis tackles Taylor Wardlow” by John McStravick. Used under a Creative Commons License.)


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Jaybird is Birdmojo on Xbox Live and Jaybirdmojo on Playstation's network. He's been playing consoles since the Atari 2600 and it was Zork that taught him how to touch-type. If you've got a song for Wednesday, a commercial for Saturday, a recommendation for Tuesday, an essay for Monday, or, heck, just a handful a questions, fire off an email to AskJaybird-at-gmail.com

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10 thoughts on “Fantasy Football: Week 12 (and Football Season open thread)

    • Do I believe in Brock Osweiler? I believe Brock Osweiler is playing better football than Peyton Manning was, but sadly for the remarkable Mr. Manning and his partisans, this year that isn’t a particularly ambitious claim.

      What I believe in is that Denver defense. Take, for instance, my beloved Green Bay Packers. Green Bay played Denver more than a month ago, took its first loss for the season, and has yet to recover its mojo. This is the high point of a pattern that seems to be repeated all over the place.

      Although yes, it feels like a measure of justice when it’s the Patriots on the receiving end of that rough treatment. The word “comeuppance” comes to mind.

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