As is so often the case, this week’s Stupid Tuesday question is the offspring of a conversation I had with my best friend.
I was lamenting a trend I have seen in infant names to choose a biblical figure, but give it some kind of twist. I have, for example, seen more fished-up spellings of the name “Isaiah” than you would believe. (If I make it to an eventual Leaguefest, I can be encouraged to share some of the crazier baby names I’ve seen through the purchase of expensive beverages.) Anyhow, it’s a common enough thing for new babies to be given an almost biblical name… but not quite.
Which gave my friend the idea that one day we should create a fake Dead Sea scroll and try to pass it off as the real word of God. Let’s call it the book of “Jereniah.” Not only would we be able to mik our discovery for fame and fortune, but we’d also be able to fill it with whatever divine edicts we like.
Her first impulse was toward caprice, lowering a ban on nose-picking, but only on Mondays.
I felt a sacred duty to better the world, however, and thus forbade the wearing of capri pants by men. To which she added fedoras, though I believe her ban was gender neutral.
And so, friends, what would you put in this newly-uncovered holy writ? What are the words of your ersatz Almighty? What spake the prophet [your name here], and what modifications in lifestyle or habit are demanded by your wrathful deity?