Conan the Barbarian

I want to see this.


Somehow, I doubt my wife will be quite as excited about it as I am. The politics of marriage and movies is a delicate diplomatic balancing act.

Erik Kain

Erik writes about video games at Forbes and politics at Mother Jones. He's the editor of The League though he hasn't written much here lately. He can be found occasionally composing 140 character cultural analysis on Twitter.


  1. They’re going to screw it up.

    The original had, like, 100 lines of dialog. If you look up any webpage dedicated to awesome quotes from Conan, you will see that it has 100 lines.

    This movie looks like it will have throwaway dialog.

    • It isn’t a remake, so there’s no worries about it “screwing up” the 1982 film. They can’t screw it up any more than Chris Nolan’s Batman films screwed up Tim Burton’s Batman.

      That said, the 1982 film itself screwed up the source material to an astounding degree, so no doubt half the changes which were designed to be more faithful to the 1930s stories will be viewed as “screwing up” by the people who only know the character through a film made 50 years after the character debuted.

      • If you listen, you can hear the whispers of the Platonic forms in some art. High art masquerading as low art, sometimes. Low art that, incomprehensibly, strums the sinews of the world as it flails its hands.

        Conan achieved this.

        Contemplate this on the tree of woe.

  2. Conan: What gods do you pray to?

    Subotai: I pray to the four winds… and you?

    Conan: To Crom… but I seldom pray to him, he doesn’t listen.

    Subotai: What good is he then? Ah, it’s just as I’ve always said.

    Conan: He is strong! If I die, I have to go before him, and he will ask me, “What is the riddle of steel?” If I don’t know it, he will cast me out of Valhalla and laugh at me. That’s Crom, strong on his mountain!

    Subotai: Ah, my god is greater.

    Conan: Crom laughs at your four winds. He laughs from his mountain.

    Subotai: My god is stronger. He is the everlasting sky! Your god lives underneath him.

    • What’s weird is that I recognized him instantly when I saw the very short trailer in the theater. On this, longer one, I was wondering if I was wrong because it didn’t look nearly as much like Kohl. Sure enough, it’s him.

      Hey, a good tan and that physique, better suited for barbarism than sitcomedy.

      • I actually recognised him mostly from his voice, which would be hard if you’d only seen him in Game of Thrones since he spoke little (and even less in English), but he was also in Stargate Atlantis.

      • he actually did some work with UCB. he may not have much talent, but I gotta give him some credit for being passionate about acting.

  3. Wow. Am I the only person on this whole site that thought Conan was awful? The one with Sandahl Bergman?

    How is that even possilbe?

      • Wait… were there other people in that movie? I was 17 at the time, so I might have some missed other stuff.

  4. “Somehow, I doubt my wife will be quite as excited about it as I am. The politics of marriage and movies is a delicate diplomatic balancing act.”

    Tell her you’re taking her to see 90 minutes of man-candy 🙂

    • Dr. Saunders wins the thread.

      By the way, I’d *totally* go see a remake of Red Sonja.

      • “Dr. Saunders wins the thread.”

        Dr. Saunders usually does. He has an extremely funny and subtle sense of humor. Unfortunately, it usually goes right over people’s heads. Not mine, though. I love it, even when I’m the target of his lethal jabs. Underneath it all, you know he has a heart of gold. What better man to be a pediatrician! I bet his patients just love him and probably wish he could still be their doctor when they become adults.

        As far as the topic is concerned, I find Islam to be a very weird religion—it speaks quite clearly for itself in this regard.. It has spawned a culture that has problems with Jews, dogs, women and classical music. Enough said. Any found variations of this means you have found a demonstrably UN-normal Muslim family.

        Dr. Saunders wins the thread.

        • Jason, here’s a great topic to write about. How about writing about people who have been abducted and had sex with aliens. No, not illegal aliens–they’re a dime a dozen, but with real live Extraterrestrials.

          This is a serious subject and was fairly recently a subject studied in great depth, by member of the faculty of Harvard Medical School, a psychiatrist, no less. He, a prominent and highly respected shrink, was completely convinced that his subjects were sincere and truthful about their intimate relations with ETs. Sadly, and with a very odd twist, he ended up murdered by an ET who mistook “no, no, no” , for “more, more, more.” When police arrived at the scene they found the aphrodite alien sitting on the bed next to the victim, smokng a cigarette and then, simply dematerialized. At the very least, something to look into.

        • What would be a very funny and successful TV show would be an Arab version of, “The Archie Bunker Show”–wouldn’t you just LOVE to write for a show like that–I drool at the endless possibilities!

  5. Without ANY disrespect, I would urge Mr. Nispel to do a film course, as he clearly needs to learn story telling at its most basic. This is not an insult, this is advice, because I believe once he has a better grasp on it, he will make a fine film maker.

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