Harry Potter is over, oh god, now I can cum. I guess it is easy enough to criticize JK Rowling for writing absolutely execrable prose, but I have read C.S. Lewis, and let me tell you, that guy couldn’t write a graceful sentence if his reward were a chaste peck on the lips from JayCee himself. Tolkein obviously couldn’t write either; I mean, maybe that shit sounded better in the original Elvish, but the GoogleTranslate English version sucks. Somehow every single sentence in I Snored. There Were Rings? sounds suspiciously like, "Able was I, ere I saw Elba." What was my point? Ah, you know, just that you can criticize JK Rowling for writing ten million pages of clumsily derivative horseshit, but that is effectively the nature of fantasy. Anyway, I was feeling a bit undertheweather on Monday, so my boyfriend and I went to see Harry Potter 19: The Phantom Penis. I could not actually tell you what happened visually because the entire movie was filmed without any lighting instruments; occasionally a magical CGI squiggle darted across the screen; the aesthetic vision seems to have been something like: Screensaver, Windows 95. There are some also some CGI magical creatures that look like they were left in the recycling bin outside of the office that created the latest Shartosquidasaur for the [sigh]Fi Channel. There are a number of British accents, and invariable someone tells Harry Potter, When the Time Comes, You’ll Know What to Do. Now I understand why this sort of thing is so popular a trope in fantasyland. It lazily suggests magic and intuition and an un-mundane world of things unseen, but it is exceptionally frustrating to hear and to read. If your friend just found a really awesome animated .gif tumblr, he doesn’t say, "Kittens with Hitler moustaches eating spaghetti . . . when the time comes . . . you’ll know where to find it . . . your heart will guide you." No, he sends you the goddamn URL.
Anyway the movie was really long and boring, just like the books, and Ralph Fiennes looks like a cock. The End.
IOZ is pretty good at pointing out assholes. Even when they happen to be IOZ.