As is so often the case, this week’s Stupid Tuesday question is the offspring of a conversation I had with my best friend.
I was lamenting a trend I have seen in infant names to choose a biblical figure, but give it some kind of twist. I have, for example, seen more fished-up spellings of the name “Isaiah” than you would believe. (If I make it to an eventual Leaguefest, I can be encouraged to share some of the crazier baby names I’ve seen through the purchase of expensive beverages.) Anyhow, it’s a common enough thing for new babies to be given an almost biblical name… but not quite.
Which gave my friend the idea that one day we should create a fake Dead Sea scroll and try to pass it off as the real word of God. Let’s call it the book of “Jereniah.” Not only would we be able to mik our discovery for fame and fortune, but we’d also be able to fill it with whatever divine edicts we like.
Her first impulse was toward caprice, lowering a ban on nose-picking, but only on Mondays.
I felt a sacred duty to better the world, however, and thus forbade the wearing of capri pants by men. To which she added fedoras, though I believe her ban was gender neutral.
And so, friends, what would you put in this newly-uncovered holy writ? What are the words of your ersatz Almighty? What spake the prophet [your name here], and what modifications in lifestyle or habit are demanded by your wrathful deity?
Lo, for I am your Tod – and so that you shall have no other Tod above me I give unto thee the following 10 commandments that are Right and Holy, that you might follow:
1. Cheese is given unto you as a Holy food, and thou shall purchase it wrapped in plastic or wax paper. No cheese product in any kind of “can” shalt thou buy, for this is an affront to your Tod. Nor shall thou buy prepared food that featureth cheese from any kind of can, or has in any way been “sprayed” onto your snack or entrée.
2. Vodka is a Holy Water, and when making martinis thou shall use only top shelf varieties that the martini should go down like silk. But when ordering the Vodka Tonics while out with friends, the well vodka shall you order – for the tonic overpowers the vodka, and your Tod appreciates a frugal mindset at times.
3. Reality Shows are forever cursed, and should be eschewed. For though they claimest to be edgy, they are in fact quite dull and your Tod can never understand what thou seest in them.
4. Christmas Carols and Music shall be sung by all that celebrate Christmas, but never until after Thanksgiving and never after December 25th; and no more shall thou make new “themed” versions of the 12 Days of Christmas – for I say unto thee they were never all that clever the first several hundred times someone did them.
5. Basketball is treasured above all other Sports, and those who watch it are blessed – unless they root for teams owned by Donald Sterling. Then shall they be eternally disappointed – and seriously, after all this time what didst they expect? Owners and players alike shall each be humble, and owners that complain they cannot competeth after signing Gilbert Arenas for $64 million, Drew Gooden for $24 million or Darko Millicic for $20 million should shutteth their pie holes.
6. Callest thou your mother. She misses you.
7. Maketh quality TV shows, I command. But also I command this: Be honest and pull the plug when the right time has cometh. No more of this “Hey, I bet we can make the X-Files for another year even though we have no more good ideas!” shall thou sink to.
8. By all that is Good and Holy, stop purchasing tickets to seeth the new Michael Bay movies. It only encourages him.
9. To those looking to park at the store, I command thee: Do not sit in your car and wait for those with shopping carts to get to their car, unload, and drive away. Rather, thou shalt have a backbone and walk a few extra yards and not keep everyone else waiting on thy lazy ass.
10. For my children in their 70s, and 80s, and above with Grandchildren – blessed be your reading the Family Circus. Unto my children that are younger, I say unto you: please stop – it’s a little creepy. And please do not email ones you find particularly cute to me, anyone.
And lo, a great cry went forth from the congregation, and there was weeping and gnashing of teeth.
For verily, wherefore doth a drink made with vodka call itself a martini? Such libation is surely an abomination. Substituteth the word “gin” into the received words of Tod, and all shalt be hunky-dory, as well gin is meet and proper when mixed with cheap tonic but doth grieve the palate when served in chilled, slanty glasses.
And consider the Project Runway of the Lifetime network. Though yea, lousy knock-offs doth offend the eye and bore the soul, truly I say unto you that the original version deserveth mercy. All other Reality programming shalt be cast into outer darkness.
Tennis shalt thou revere, as the menfolk doth please the eye, and the leaping and lunging of both man and woman doth impress the indolent and athletically unblessed.
Though it trouble the soul and cast down the eye, yea the time hast come to proclaim that “The Simpsons” hath leaped Leviathan.
And thus didst the people quibble pettily with the words of Tod.
Verily.
Seriously. This was awesome.
No wearing polyester. Oh, wait. That’s already in the Bible. Let’s put a prohibition on television networks cancelling Joss Whedon shows.
Seconded.
If you ban fedoras, you’ve already made apostates of my daughters.
I suppose it was inevitable anyway.
I encourage everyone to add to these rules, that I and my generations can be ever and ever more apostatish.
“If you ban fedoras, you’ve already made apostates of my daughters.”
And Indiana Jones.
Special dispensations will be made for indisputably awesome action heroes.
Why do I get the feeling that the dispensation not only covers Dr. Jones, but also the Hanley girls?
Can they catch up to a truck full of Nazis on a horse, in the middle of a convoy with dozens of troopers, and not only escape with their lives but also with the Ark containing the Commandments of Tod?
If so, fedoras are undoubtedly deserved.
Alan is right, and Patrick Cahalan is an infidel deserving of death for daring to question the superhero status of the Hanley girls.
What, you’re saying that they *can’t* do that?
Thou shalt return the shopping carts to the cart return corral. Leavest them not standing freely in yon parking lot, nor propped upon a curb or a tree planter in yon parking lot, for this is abomination and causeth great inconvenience to the next shopper who wisheth to park therein. Behold, I am the LORD.
Amen!
That can be solved by attaching a device to the handlebars of the trolley. The device bascially holds on to the chain of a trolley in front. The chain can only be released by inserting a $1 coin. The coin can only be retrieved by returning the cart to the return corral. And if the $1 doesnt mean much to you, someone else is always willing to return your trolley for you so that he can get that $1
I recall seeing this in markets in France and Germany, and it worked great there. One Euro was just the right amount of money to keep the parking lot clear. Thanks for the reminder.
Ah, but U.S. consumers don’t want one-dollar coins, for the most part. We aren’t particularly fond of half-dollars, either, although we do love our quarters. Yes, I know it’s silly and irrational.
Spittest thou not on the sidewalks for it is an abomination and grievous in the eyes of the TOD/LORD
Not perhaps theological in import; but these are my three laws defining the minimal thresholds of behavior for a Gentleman (long before I discovered LoOG)
1. Remove your hat indoors
2. Put the toilet seat back down
3. Take the weight on your elbows.
I have imparted these to my sons. Go thou and do likewise.
Re: rule 2… PUT THE LID DOWN.
Everybody.
It’s there for a reason.
rule 2… PUT THE LID DOWN
In fact, don’t leave the lid down has pretty much been the rule in my house. There are actually good reasons to leave the lid up especially in toilets frequented mostly by males and in which you use water to clean your ass.
Takest thou only one free sample at the supermarket.
Blessed are those who pretend to be interested in other people’s children.
On the name thing, back when we were in Deseret, I commented on the odd names of coworkers where I was working. Clancy rattled off a bunch of names much worse. I thought she was choosing the worst, but she had simplyh started with that day’s deliveries and worked her way backwards. Weird names were actually the norm.
When I sub a kindergarten classroom, I see it. I went the school with 27 Jennifers, but now there is some repetition around a different set of names and more creative spelling.
I’m not sure how I feel about creative names. They have utility. Creative spellings, however, do not.
An interesting note: Mormons almost never name their kids off BoM names. A shame, actually, because there are some cool ones.
Not to get political, but I think Barack is an awesome name. I look forward to kids named Barack coming through.
Now, to get back to the conversation at hand, my rules are:
1) Belt loops need belts. Always. Belt loops without belts are wrong.
2) Nail polish is just wrong, outside of very narrow parameters.
3) Don’t make changes to your body that cannot be easily concealed or removed for formal occasions.
4) Professionals should be required to dress like professionals.
5) Compact-only parking means compacts and subcompacts, not SUVs.
6) If you are using your cell phone in a public place, you cannot give anyone dirty looks for “listening in.”
7) Unless it’s a time-sensitive conversation, or a particularly short one, you shouldn’t use your cell phone in a public place.
8) If you are hosting an out of town guest who moved away (and therefore know the lay of the local land), and you are going out to eat, you should go where they want to go (within reason).
I fear you would find me in violation of edict #4.
Ditto ‘dat.
I’m ruined for corporate America after my dot-com days. I can suit up with the best of them for a presentation or client meeting, I suppose, but a tie and collared shirt are right out for day-to-day wear.
The issue lies not with Russell Saunders, but with the culture that allows Russell Saunders to violate edict #4. Ditto Pat.
Truthfully, I violated #4, too. Particularly when I was working at Large Software Company. Dress up at a place where people are wearing concert shirts and sandals, you feel stupid.
Every so often I wear my nicer duds, merely to confuse those who are used to seeing me in corduroys and sweaters.
At a previous job, I would periodically wear a suit and tie so that my boss would think that I had a job interview.
I insist on interpreting #4 to include a fedora.
But that makes me a Jereniad of the California Synod.