Dear all,
First of all, thank you for visiting our garden. It is small, yes, but I get no small pleasure from it, and hope you do, too. It allows me to pretend that I don’t live in an utterly soulless townhouse development.
Fun fact! It is not all that cheap to have a nice garden! Sometimes we purchase seedlings, soil, compost, and organic fertilizers. Our water bills are higher than they may otherwise be. I spend no small effort weeding, deadheading, watering, composting, planting, etc. etc. Time I could otherwise spend in such valuable pursuits as telling strangers on the internet what I think about some stuff.
To the neighbors who believe that the garden is a garbage receptacle: I am indeed terribly interested in what fast food you eat, cigarettes you smoke, and drugs you take. Let us not forget the used pregnancy test I once found (negative – phew!). I’m keeping my finger on the pulse of today’s youth! Maybe you could carry your garbage to where you’re going, and just keep me abreast verbally of your fascinating (and might I suggest perhaps the teensiest unhealthy?) habits.
To the neighbor(s) who feels the garden is a neighborhood cutting garden: I’m so glad you share my love of flowers! Although I question your taste a bit: you have so far helped yourself to gerberas and vincas, while far more attractive and scented and useful flowers (e.g., lavender, mountain sage, celosia) sprout nearby. I note with interest that you actually bring scissors or shears to remove the flowers! Sadly, I must inform you that while I’m happy for my neighbors to benefit from seeing my garden, and from the infinitesimal raising of nearby property values, I do not offer my blooms to adorn your empty vases. See above re: expense and effort in maintaining said garden. You might think I simply laugh off these thefts. You would be deeply mistaken. Indeed, the outrage I feel when I spot another theft is roughly similar in intensity to nuclear fission. You might in turn suggest that this is perhaps an overreaction. I do not dispute this. There we have it. If I figure out a way to dissuade you, I shall endeavor to do so. If I find out who you are, please expect an extremely testy confrontation. In the meantime, if you are so very fond of vincas, might I suggest the ones paid for by our HOA at the entrance to our soulless development? I expect they are less likely to be missed – tragedy of the commons, and all.
To the bees: I am so glad you find our flowers suit your purposes. I am happy to share them with you. However, you would do well to remember it is I who is sharing with you, not vice versa. If there is not an immediate reduction in Apoidean menacing, I shall have to call the exterminator. And neither of us want that, do we?
Thank you, thank you, each and every one.
If I find out who you are, please expect an extremely testy confrontation.
If such a confrontation actually comes to pass, I will happily pay surprisingly high sums of money for footage thereof.
Leverage the bees to address the other two problems. Win-win!
Use the Bogart solution. (Import some African queens.)
Brilliant! I’ll learn how to say “Sic him!” in waggle dance.
So… from what you’ve written here, I take it no one has pooped or peed in it yet. And you’re complaining? Jeez… high maintenance much? :-p
I know, right? I’m such a Jewish princess.
But since I am actually not 100% sure that someone hasn’t peed, I wash our veggies from the veggie garden in the back crazy carefully.
Boy do I have a solution for you! We have a garden ourselves, but it is not well tended. Our beautiful (and not inexpensive to install!) raised bed sits empty of vegetation, save for a few stalks of broccoli rabe, which like to pop up each year to remind us how unedible it was the year we actually tried to grow it. On the plus side, our yard is fenced and our neighbors, if they have problems like drug addiction or unwanted pregnancy, are American white-middle class enough to bottle it in and pretend their lives are perfect and on no way needing our attention – for which we feel eternally blessed.
Might I propose that you do our gardening for us? We will pay for all the materials, and you can be secure knowing that the plants you care for are safe and sound, except for the odd lacrosse ball killing the a plant here and there.
You’re awesome, Rose.
That is all.
Awww, shucks.
Loved your article and your writing style. I could identify with one of your three legitimate complaints. Well, maybe two legitimate complaints. I thought you were a little hard on the bees. After all, they really participate in the process of making your garden grow. Though people can’t get to my flower gardens easily, they wreak similar havoc on my corner lot as they do when depositing trash in your garden. It seems as if a stop sign is not just a signal to stop a vehicle, but it is also a sign to stop and throw trash onto the adjacent lawn. If we can’t nab the perpetrators, perhaps we could incorporate a trash receptacle into the landscape designs of our garden and lawn.
I guess I should count myself lucky that the only garden vandals we have to deal with are of the deer and rabbit variety!