Last week I asked with genuine interest if allergy sufferers and people with food sensitivities would find themselves moved to subscribe to a lifestyle magazine for people with same. Turns out that at least some of you might find recipes and other tips valuable, so perhaps there is something to be said for a publication like this.
A few days ago, my beloved co-blogger texted me with news of yet another magazine for people with allergies and food sensitivities. What’s striking about this competing periodical is not so much that it exists, thus proving robust market demand. No, what was notable to us, and the source of much amused back-and-forth, was the name. This one is called “Living Without.” Apparently the aspirational mood they’re shooting for is “despondent.” While one has to admire their honesty, I would not have guessed that a magazine for people with food allergies who are openly morose about it would be a big seller.
Rose then suggested starting a magazine for migraine sufferers called “In Pain,” and one for special needs moms named “Overwhelmed.” For my part, I’m raising seed money for my fashion and beauty magazine for the average woman called “Plain,” and one for aging runners named “Sore.”
So that’s this week’s Question — what would you name your lifestyle magazine, tailored to a certain segment of the population, that’s just a little more blunt than usual about its readership? What glossy would you sell that doesn’t bother to sugarcoat things? What title would you choose to say “life is hard, people, and let’s all just accept that fact… plus ads”?
If you would include religion under lifestyle, then I’d name the publication “Uncertain.” Or maybe “Modern Myths.” Inevitably, ads would include those for religious products, services, and institutions promising literally all the answers, but I would assume myself with the thought that the joke’s on them.
“The Nth Year Graduate Student”
I am signing up for a fifteen year subscription.
Or rather, a six year subscription, but then I’ll just take another year, and another one, and just one more…
I’m on my fourth renewal.
I do not use the term lightly, but this suggestion qualifies as ‘space awesome’
I know it’s kind of tacky to evince amusement at one’s own joke, but I’ve been having fun this morning with ideas for articles in “Plain”:
“Ten bust exercises that will have your breasts looking the same”
“Frugal fashion — low-cost versions of red carpet looks that will fool nobody”
“Yikes! Five sex tips that will leave your man startled and confused”
Love those, especially the last! Might I add a few?
“Makeover Tips That Will Finally Stop the Catcalls”
“Seven Sizzling Ways He Can Do It By Himself And Let You Sleep, For God’s Sake.”
“Sensible Shoes That Don’t Pinch”
“Enough Already! Five Shriveling Ways to Respond when He Asks for That Again”
“Good Luck, Mr. Gorsky!”
I burst into giggles every time I re-read “for God’s sake.”
Stressed Out Monthly: the magazine for people with too much on their plates.
Let’s make that Stressed Out Quarterly: Do you think we have time to make this thing once a month?
Ennui: A Magazine of Philosophy
Except… I just googled, and it’s already a thing. For real.
Ennui: A Magazine of Philosophy
The italic font made the title look like “Emma”. So, “Philosophy for the Clueless”?
Too funny!
“Five Ways to Say I Love You and Only You in Logical Notation.”
“Not Letting It Go: The Importance of Listing All Objections to Casual Acquaintances’ Offhand Comments”
“Philosophy Fashion Watch: New This Season is Kempt Hair!”
Wordcount. A magazine for bloggers who write 200 words when they want to write 500, 800 when they want to write 1250, and, seriously, will be tackling that Epic Project This Weekend.
“America’s Got Talent: Do You Have A Post?”
“Infinite Monkeys On Infinite Typewriters: What If You Have One Keyboard And One Cat?”
“Is 10 Months Long Enough For You To Write About That Thing That Got 20 Comments Again?”
I often find myself pondering that last question.
I was going to say “one keyboard and four cats” but I didn’t want to make it *TOO* autobiographical.
I need the one for bloggers who need to get from 1800 words to 500.
“If They Didn’t Buy Points 1 or 2, Will They Really Buy Points 3, 4, 5, 6, or 7?”
“How To Turn That Fourth Anecdote Into A New Post Entirely”
“Incorporating That Youtube Of The Guy Accidentally Breaking His Aquarium”
“How To Turn That Fourth Anecdote Into A New Post Entirely”
Write that baby!
Lazy, for people who are going to start an exercise program Real Soon Now.
“Ten Things to Hang on That Rowing Machine”
“Running Shoes — Which Ones Won’t Leave Marks on the Coffee Table”
“Heart-Healthy TV Shows to Watch”
LOVE these articles.
“Ooh Shiney!” – The Magazine for people with short attentio… What were we talking about? Want to watch some cat videos?
“Knees are for the Weak” – The Quarterly Journal of Ultra Running
Featuring:
– “Where to buy GU by the 55 gallon drum”
– “Dean Karnazes: Hero or Rat Bastard, (1 of a 2934 part series)
– “annual review edition: the best shoes, hydration systems, and marriage counselors/psychiatrists for ultra training”
“Broke? Get used to it.” for the college student and those dealing with student loan debt. I’m interested in the recipe section. I hear they have a great article on how to jazz up beans and rice!
Melt a slice of “I can’t believe it’s not a Kraft Single!” over it!
“Coddled,” for today’s preschooler. Available only on iPad and smartphone.
“7 New Places to Insist that Snacks Be Brought”
“Whines That Work.”
“They Dropped Kids Off: a Hard-Hitting Investigation Into the Dark History of Playdates”
Rename “Make” to “Hobbies of the Asberger’s Inclined”
You don’t really need to change anything else.
I would love to see a fashion magazine named Shallow.
“Skin Deep: Because Beauty Is”
“Does Smiling Give You Laugh Lines? Risks You Need To Know About”
“Marlboro Mediums or Marlboro Lights? Or Cocaine? We Talk With Kate Moss”
“Oh My God, Becky, Look At Her Butt”
“Where Botox Can’t Help: More Facial Expressions to Avoid”
“Choosing a Mate: New or Old Money?”
I remember watching a Giants-Dodgers game, years ago, when Jose Uribe (who unlike his nephew Juan had no power at all) came to bat for the Giants, and the outfield moved in about five steps.
“The outfield is awfully shallow”, said the color man, to which I responded “Well, they are from Los Angeles.”
It’s interesting, Doc. I don’t see the title, “Living Without”, to be despondent. To me, it reads as quite positive. The emphasis, I believe, is the “Living” not the “Without”. People who would be reading it would already have all the restrictions on their lifestyle, but are saying “fish that, I’m gonna enjoy my life, allergies be damned”.
But I guess, it might depend on the cover art to set the mood.
Oh, and I have no response to your question. Clearly, I need a magazine on not being creative. Maybe the cover would just be blank.
“Blocked”
I imagine the first article to be:
“Fish”
Fish fish fish fish fish fish fish. Fish fish fish fish fish. Fish fish fish fish fish fish fish fish fish fish.
Fish.
That’s a fair reading, Jonathan. Though it should be noted that I, in good faith, mentioned both magazines to parents of a child with food allergies as possible resources to find recipes, and they also found “Living Without” to be a weird name (with no prompting from me).
I’m willing to bet I’m the weird one here.
“Kings of the Ogres”
It would be a magazine directed towards nerds with tips and thoughts on how to interact with larger society. The title derived from my own experience as someone who is socially ogreish (or was for a long time) and yet, due to having moderate social skills, was at a pretty significant social advantage within my cohort*.
* – Anime conventions used to have a good (or bad) 5-to-1 male-to-female imbalance (if you discount the Sailor Moon cohort). It would, in theory, have been a terrible place to meet women. Yet comparatively little things (showering, smiling, knowing how to talk with repelling) helped *a lot*.
“Sand Boxed: Kicking Sand Out of Your Eyes and Into those of a Bigger Nerd”
That is, sadly, probably the most effective method there is. Ogre Kings (a better name, I’ve decided) would not endorse it, however.
Commenterary
“The Tragedy Of Frederick V, Elector of the Rhine-Palatine, or How No Reference is Too Obscure”
“Hating Puns: A Sign of Sexual Degeneracy”
“Ten Strategies You can Use to Dismiss Any Objection”
“Make Bullying Work for You!”
“Proving Your Point by Quoting the Experts”
Coming Next Week: “Proving Your Point by Dismissing the ‘Experts'”
You beat me to it.
Living Vicariously: Former Athletes turned Sports Fans
“I Would Have Made that Play”
“How to Properly Use ‘We’ in Reference to a Team You Never Played For”
“Being John Wooden: Graduating to Identifying with the Coaches”
Broke Magazine. Tagline/slogan “the 2nd best 50 cents you can spend!”
“Six ways to cook ramen noodles that all taste the same”
“Duct tape: fix anything! Kind of!”
“How to shop for furniture at the Salvation Army store”
I was hoping they would offer it free online since most might be too broke to purchase it.
“…and one for aging runners named “Sore.””
I’m going to confess that as I was reading, I saw the word “Sore” before the rest of the sentence. I thought it was about a magazine about something very, very different. Ergh… I’m a jerk.
I’m too busy tut-tutting on other threads to chastise you.
I’ll self-chastise for the both of us!
“The Indecisive
WeeklyQuarterly”