Alex Balk is an asshole.
Now, I’ve never met Mr. Balk. I wouldn’t know him from a hole in the ground. I’ve never seen him interviewed, don’t know any of his friends, and know next to nothing about him. He is, for all intents and purposes, a stranger to me.
But I know he’s an asshole. He says so himself, in an article in Slate about not one but two new books about what it is to be an asshole:
Discard for the moment the idea of political assholism (although I would be remiss if I did not mention Nunberg’s flawless observation about how much of it these days is predicated on the joy the political asshole and his adherents take in the assumption that they are infuriating their opposites through their assholishness). Forget those times you have been unpleasant to a customer service representative (no matter how convinced you were that you were completely in the right). Let’s dispense with that day when, mid-commute, you buried your face deep in the newspaper and read the same sentence over and over rather than acknowledge the human being in front of you in desperate need. Instead, if you dare, allow yourself to summon up a Big Cringe.
[snip]
I offer you my most sincere sympathies. Though I am an unrepentant asshole, that doesn’t mean I am somehow immune to the cringe. Indeed, sometimes I spend my entire day in a near-catatonic state of shame and regret. What I mean by unrepentant is that I continue to be an asshole, I don’t take proper steps to prevent being an asshole in the future, and sometimes I am actually aware that I am being an asshole in the exact moment that I am being an asshole. I have spent more time than I care to remember explaining why “gender essentialism” is a theory absurd in its very conception to women who have spent years studying—and living by—the ideals of feminism. After a friend lost a not-insubstantial amount of money on a risky but tenable proposition, I passed the better part of a week forwarding him various spam come-ons, with the subject line: FW: Investment Opportunity! Naturally, I cc’d a large group of our acquaintances in such a jovial manner that it seemed churlish for the mockee, surely heartsick, to call me out. I once went three hours listening to someone very close to me describe, in choked-up detail, the end of a relationship that had lasted six years, which coincided with her being laid off from her job. When she finally dried her eyes and asked how things were on my end, all I had to say was, “Oh, same old, same old.”
Oh, dear. I’m afraid he really does seem like an asshole. Kicking a friend while he’s down for your own amusement is a pretty damn asshole-ish thing to do. I can’t help but agree with Mr. Balk’s self-assessment.
This brought to mind a comment from a recent thread about what readers find intolerable to watch. Writes Dan Miller:
Mine would be “assholes who you’re supposed to like”. The canonical example would be Daniel Tosh–his show isn’t funny, it’s just him being a dick interspersed with occasional Youtube videos. Han Solo is about as far as I can go on the “lovable rogue” spectrum without getting annoyed.
There is a phenomenon in American popular culture that I find utterly confounding. Daniel Tosh is its apotheosis, but you can find plenty of other examples. Any of the denizens of “Jersey Shore.” A randomly selected “Real Housewife.” Chelsea Handler. I’m sure you can supply your own illustrations.
I refer, of course, to people who are perfectly happy to act like horrible human beings on camera. People whose fame is predicated entirely on how awful they are. People whose behavior is jaw-dropping in its nastiness, crassness or cruelty, and who seem not only not ashamed but positively pleased with themselves for behaving thusly. Often this behavior seems to be accompanied an ersatz claim to authenticity, that these people are just being their honest selves or saying what the rest of us are thinking. The obvious rejoinder that civility and decency are admirable traits that sometimes must be cultivated seems to have been lost to the ages; that their honest selves are repellant and what we choose not to say is a sign of maturity and kindness are truths left unspoken.
Then there is this:
In short, my bloated sense of entitlement will overcome my massive collection of insecurities every single time. Yes, I am that kind of asshole. You know someone like me. You are inexplicably friends with someone like me. Perhaps you have, on one or two regrettable occasions, been someone like me. [emphasis added]
I wonder if this is true. I know it is true for me, and (as it happens) for Rose. Back when we both lived in New York, we had a mutual friend who was thoroughly, persistently obnoxious. He wasn’t obnoxious as an extension of some other character trait (eg. stubbornness, self-centeredness, hypersensitivity, etc.), but was simply obnoxious in and of itself. And he was not only obnoxious, but was proudly, exuberantly so. It was not something he aimed to hide, but rather something he flaunted.
And yet we were friends with him. (I have not discussed this post with Rose in advance, but I guarantee that she knows exactly who I am talking about.) We told ourselves that his unpleasantness was somehow charming, that there as something winning about his abrasive nature. But some time after we were no longer in regular contact with him, Rose and I agreed that this was some kind of collective delusion, and really he was just kind of a pain that we had all decided to make our friend for reasons that were certainly lost on me. (Truth be told, I’m still in occasional contact with him, and he seems to have mellowed a lot over time. Maybe we all just saw something nice waaaay down deep?)
Anyhow, that’s the bifurcated topic of this week’s Question: 1) What do you make of this cultural celebration of the flamboyant, unapologetic asshole? Is this an older phenomenon than I appreciate, or is it a sign that we are decadent or (at least) losing something valuable in what holds society together? What motivates it, and what keeps us watching, giving this ugly people their fame? 2) Have you known someone like our erstwhile friend? Were you chummy with someone who constantly left you wondering why you were? What kept your friendship going?
The folks who are horse’s asses due to the fact that they are lying are easy, very easy, to abandon and never see again and never think about again.
It’s the ones who are horse’s asses due to the fact that they are telling the truth that are problematic.
I can be that second guy, sometimes.
I think of you as one of the least assholey guys I know.
You don’t have any glaringly obvious and painful truths that need revealing, that I know of.
There was a Sri Sathya Sai Baba quote I read once that got stuck in my gears.
“Before you speak, think -Is it necessary? Is it true? Is it kind? Will it hurt anyone? Will it improve on the silence?”
When it comes to the necessary/true/kind triumvirate, the general rule of thumb is “it needs to have at least two”. While I fail to meet that, like, every twenty minutes, I think it’s a good thing in its own right to have an ideal like that that you fail to achieve.
Which brings me to another answer, I suppose. Someone who is a horse’s ass because they are failing to be good gets put in a different category than someone who is a horse’s ass because they don’t care. I have much sympathy for the former.
When it comes to the necessary/true/kind triumvirate, the general rule of thumb is “it needs to have at least two”.
Unless it’s really, really funny. Though one of the signs of the true asshole is to confuse cruel with funny.
My amateur sociological speculation would put this down to the “be yourself” school of thought. The idea is that as long as one is true to oneself, he or she does not do wrong. American culture has been too long steeped in the idea that people should feel good about themselves no matter what.
I think I first noticed this in the 80s when it suddenly became cool to say, “Yes, I know I’m a {fill jerk phenotype}, but at least I’m honest about it.”
Strangely, these people (or at least those who were celebrities and/or politicians) were always popular among the Religious Right types that I knew. Given that my church had always taught that confessing a sin should involve contrition and at least some attempt at repentance, I found their admiration for the proudly unrepentant jerk rather baffling.
In answer to question no. 1, I am very reluctant to say that in THE PAST things were different and NOW, and beginning very recently, things have CHANGED. So I don’t know. Populist, plain-speaking politicians are not an anomaly in putatively democratic societies. Plain-speaking jerks who win high admiration are, I’m supposing, not a recent phenomenon, either.
In answer to question no. 2, I’ve known several. Many of them either seem very intelligent, or are very intelligent, and that’s part of their appeal. They also seem endowed with a certain charisma (although by saying that, perhaps I’m begging the question). I also suspect that the ones who are most successful (or at least who I like best) are jerks in only a limited sense, and usually within bounds. They’re like Adam Carolla (sp.?). He’s garrulous and crude, but at least on the show he used to do with Dr. Drew, there were some lines he didn’t cross. This struck me when once they had a famous actor who was garrulous and crude, but came off as a dirty old man because, well, he crossed lines.
I’m not trying to rescue Carolla. I just think a lot of a**holes are not as a**holish as they seem.
Finally, I sure hope I’m not one.
I have a few of thoughts about this; they are not meant to make a cohesive whole.
1. I know that studies show we are actually drawn to narcissists, which I believe is the type of asshole you are referring to in this post. (Or at least, it’s the type that populates the Jersey Shore/Paris Hilton crowd, and Balk certainly seems to fit that description.) Narcissists make friends far more easily than other groups. It appears we are hardwired to pay attention to people that wave their hands and scream, “Pay attention to me!!!” Not surprisingly, these studies also show that – as with you and Rose regarding your asshole friend – this attraction is somewhat fleeting; narcissists leave a trail of ex-friends who *really* dislike them in their wake.
2. In terms of the media-driven assholes (I’m looking at you, Reality TV!), I think there is something about consumer capitalism and the drive to continually be shocked just a wee bit more than we were last season that has driven us to Snooki. But Snooki is just one in a long, ever (de)volving line of successful TV show assholes.
I think Snooki’s precursor from my generation was The Fonz.
The Fonz was totally self-absorbed. He would just walk into the Cunningham’s house without knocking and eat their food without asking. It clearly bothered Mr. Cunningham, who often tried to offer corrective criticism relating to the way he wanted his house and himself to be treated, but Fonzie didn’t seem to care enough about things that didn’t immediately gratify The Fonz to bother listening. He treated women as interchangeable and disposable stimulation objects. And we thought he was so cool! Man, The Fonz was showing those stuffed shirts a thing or two, and no mistake!
Looking back now, of course, I realize that Fonzie was an enormous asshole – and the people of whatever fictional town Happy Days was set in worshipped him *because* he was an asshole. If my son brought home a friend like the Fonz, it would be all I could do not to punch the little brat in the face.
3. There is, I think, a plus side to the boundary-pushing assholes of the world, which is this: We really were stuffed shirts back then, and as we’ve been so titillated by those narcissistic assholes they have (I think) kind of taught us to evolve into more open and honest society. We shouldn’t want to be Fonzie, but our attraction to him made us see that we didn’t want to e Ward Cleaver, either. This can translate into actions of minor grace, but it has also been used to further the fight against evil. (Consider: there was a time – not so long ago! – when the unseemliness narcissism of drawing embarrassing attention to yourself was considered a far worse faux pas than allowing domestic abuse, either violent or sexual.)
4. I wonder (and, frankly, am a little frightened to consider) what the Snooki of my future grandchildren’s generation will be like.
I don’t know that Snooki is more of an asshole than the Fonz was. They’re creatures of their environment; they act “inappropriate” in response to what appropriate is.
For a hypothetical answer to your question, imagine Jenna on 30 Rock as an actual person. Can you imagine this? I personally can’t.
I think there’s a point at which the general society gets open and accepting enough that it can’t really get much more open and accepting, at which point there’s nowhere to go on the “more assholish” scale. Granted, we’re not there yet, but we’re certainly a lot farther along than we were in 1976, and I don’t really know that we have *too* much farther to go. Already you can cosplay, you can parade in BDSM gear, you can do all sorts of things – at least, here and there – that you couldn’t dream of doing anywhere 20 years ago.
I expect “here and there” to get a little broader and the frequency to go up, and then you’ll get self-policing among all of the possible stretches of human behavior and you’ll be stuck; you can’t rebel against general society *and* your peers at the same time. Unless you’re a sociopath 🙂
there’s nowhere to go on the “more assholish” scale
That is, you’ve passed the asshole event horizon, and you’re going to end up as part of a black [ass-]hole.
Never go whole ‘hole.
1) What do you make of this cultural celebration of the flamboyant, unapologetic asshole?
Bring back dueling?
Is this an older phenomenon than I appreciate, or is it a sign that we are decadent or (at least) losing something valuable in what holds society together?
It’s as old as the hills.
What motivates it, and what keeps us watching, giving this ugly people their fame?
We’re waiting for the moment when the guy busts Geraldo’s nose? Not me, I don’t pay any attention to these people, but generally, that’s what people are waiting for.
2) Have you known someone like our erstwhile friend?
Hasn’t everybody?
Were you chummy with someone who constantly left you wondering why you were?
Double question there. I’m chummy with most everybody, because it’s usually not worth my time to not be.
What kept your friendship going?
Oh, I wasn’t friends with them. I mean, they were around, we got along fine ourselves for the most part, but I felt no particular duty to them beyond the average run-of-the-mill dude on the street, probably less so. Twenty years later, two of them have turned into pretty nice people, we reconnected on Facebook and hey, they finally grew up, whaddya know.
1. I think this has been going around for a while. At least since 1998-99 when I was a college freshman, probably longer. There seems to be a bunch of people who think that if they are upfront with the worst part of their personalities, it is absolved because everyone has fair notice. This extends beyond being an asshole into every other loathsome thing. The word evil is still taboo though.
2. This thing has probably been around since the dawn of human history but is more obvious in a less censored society especially one where curse words like bitch and asshole are freely used by adults. This is just one of those messed up things in the human condition. We generally dislike assholes but sometimes they can be really amusing especially when people we dislike are the victims of their assholeness. Also there are class and gender connotations to freely using and admitting to such words. Being an asshole in someone way probably strikes people as going against the rules as established by an old-fashioned upper-class WASP society or a formerly very sexist society that told women to just sit pretty and be quiet.
3. I have been but people cheered when the friendship broke off because they could not understand why I was friends with someone who was so mean to me.
One of my friends… with Opinions, defined asshole as “The person who thinks he’s got the best idea in the room, no matter what room he’s in.”
I don’t think you’re talking about the same thing here…
See, now I’m wondering if this is one of those things where if you’re going over lists of people you knew or know and can’t find any assholes…does that mean the asshole is me…? 🙂
Probably.
Damn.
I think in your case it means you are particularly open to and forgiving of other people.
Thanks, Maribou. If I ever run for public office I’m whirring you as my press secretary. 🙂
i’ve never been friends with someone like that. dipshits, yes, but no assholes.
i like that it took a tv show for the rest of ‘murica to learn that guidos are fucking terrible.
Somebody should make a show about how dumb Polish people are, too.
The nice thing about being of Italian descent is that TV presents people like you in not just one, but two ways: stupid “guidos” (why not “wops,” right?) and mobsters.
Only thing better would be the way they present Russians: strippers and mobsters.
clearly you guys are not from the east coast – a guido is not necessarily italian – heck, they’re not even necessarily white.
chris is forgetting all the other stereotypes – mother who cooks too much, obese uncles who yell at each other about real and imagined slights, women who tawk fuhnny, etc.
curiosity, killer of cats, led me to the jersey shore wikipedia page:
“Cast members Snooki and JWoww are not ethnically[clarification needed] Italian. Snooki is Chilean, but was adopted as an infant by Italian American parents. Jwoww is Irish and Spanish.[96]”
guido hasn’t been an ethnic slur since the 1960s, when everyone who kinda looked it and lived in the right areas became “white” as it were; i know the italian american anti-defamation league would disagree, but they gotta keep the power on so it’s sort of in their nature to pretend it’s a form of bigotry rather than an unflattering description.
I realize that “guido” is no longer meant to refer to people of Italian descent only, but also to people who aren’t Italian who act like stereotypical New York-New Jersey Italian Americans but are not Italian. I also realize that “guido” has been appropriated by certain young people as a positive, rather than a negative term, again for people who behave like stereotypical New York-New Jersey Italian Americans, regardless of whether those people are actually of Italian descent. That still doesn’t change anything I said.
mother who cooks too much, obese uncles who yell at each other about real and imagined slights, women who tawk fuhnny, etc.
Clearly you’ve been to my parents’ house at Christmas.
dhex, you really need to explain your bass car death camp plan to the uninitiated.
All I know is, if “Bass Car Death Camp” isn’t a band, it should be.
First album: The Bass Car Death Camp Plan.
I thought the term for such a person was “douchebag.” That slur has an advantage of no particular ethnicity being obviously attached to it.
Tis a noble thing to be a douchebag.
Regarding your second question, I think there are a few elements at play:
1.) Often times, the a-hole friend wasn’t always an a-hole. They probably always had some a-hole tendencies, but they probably weren’t the full-fledged a-hole today you’d prefer to avoid when you first became friends with them. I have a friend much like this: we remain close, instinctively reach out whenever we are in the same town (much to Zazzy’s chagrin), and would quickly list the other as an old and dear friend. But if we were to meet today for the first time, I don’t doubt that I would be very averse to getting to know the person. I struggle with our friendship as it is and that is knowing the person he once was, before he went full-fledged.
Along those same lines, I think when you have a relationship with someone, you see more nuance in them. Joe Schmoe may be an asshole, but there were likely times he made you laugh or bought you a round or did decidedly non-asshole things to or for you. You know that he is more than just an asshole. The farther removed you get, the more the asshole visage of him takes over, and the easier it is to dismiss him as just that.
Regarding reality TV, aren’t people simply rising (or sinking) the level of expectations set? Is it really anything new that people will do dumb, embarrassing shit for money? 500 or 50 or 5 years ago, if you paid someone to go on TV and act like Snooki, you would have found a taker. And you likely would have turned a profit doing so.
I think I’ve had at least one friend, sometimes a relatively close friend, who suffers from palpable amounts of narcissism (Tod makes the correct armchair psychological diagnosis above) since at least law school if not college. These folks are inevitably very funny, often quite charming and clever, and charismatic. Sometimes they even make conscious efforts to be interested in others and overcome their self-centeredness. But eventually it is all about them.
There’s one more that I was able to think of: Sometimes you go through a rough patch and good friends are good friends and all, but life gets in the way a lot of the time. The horse’s ass, for whatever reason, has the particular evenings free when you really, really need a friend.
And he’s the one who shows up.