Merger Mania in 2012!

Interesting emailia from me Dad:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co…
Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers
will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected
to become: Poupon Pants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

Tom Van Dyke

Tom Van Dyke, businessman, musician, bon vivant and game-show champ (The Joker's Wild, and Win Ben Stein's Money), knows lots of stuff, although not quite everything yet. A past contributor to The American Spectator Online, the late great Reform Club blog, and currently on religion and the American Founding at American Creation, TVD continues to write on matters of both great and small importance from his ranch type style tract house high on a hill above Los Angeles.


  1. At first glance, this resembles the sort of output that a Washington Post Style Invitational contest creates.

    And guess what? It is.

  2. And here are the results of that Style Invitational contest, from 2007. Enjoy. — The Empress of The Style Invitational

    Report From Week 714

    In which we asked you to combine two companies into a new firm: Not surprisingly, the Losers put those widely Net-circulated fictional conglomerates straight into Chapter 11.

    4. With gas prices what they are, Volkswagen and Energizer are ready to debut their joint-venture battery-powered car, the Bugs Bunny. (Ross Shepard, Deerfield, Ill.)

    3. Whataburger, Pizza Hut, Workmate benches, Izumi sushi and Manwich sauces join forces and become WhataPizzaWorkIzuMan. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

    2. The winner of the Empress-signed copy of “The Big Book of Duh”:

    Pepsi Free, Water Wings, Nut ‘n Honey and Morton Salt have formed a new brand (and jingle) you can’t get out of your head: “Free-Wings . . . Nut ‘n Morton Free-Wings . . .” (Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)
    And the Winner of the Inker

    After sealing its position as the consultants of choice in the business world, Booz Allen Hamilton merges with the firm of Dames & Moore. As Booz, Dames and Moore, the new firm looks to become the consultants of choice to members of Congress. (Gregory Bartolett, Dumfries)

    Busted Trusts: Honorable Mentions

    Marriott hotels, Arthur D. Little consultants and L.A.M.B. clothing merge to become MarriottALittleLamb. (Chris Doyle)

    Clif Bar, PowerBar, Snickers, Babar Impex and Cybarco Bahrain Ltd. thought they’d take a chance as Bar-Bar-Bar-Babar-Bahrain. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

    Goodyear, Best Buy, FluMist, Hershey’s and Lay’s merge to create GoodBuyMistHerChips. (Mae Scanlan, Washington)

    Martha Stewart Living merges with Smith & Wesson to create Martha Stewart Living Any Way She Wants To. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

    If Saks Fifth Avenue, Pfizer, Hooters and Pillsbury got together, they could be Saks, Drugs and Racks and Rolls. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

    JetBlue and Samsonite join forces to make JetSam, the airline luggage that’s guaranteed to get lost. (Chris Doyle)

    M&T Bank can merge with Lunesta to make MT-Nesta: Once the kids are grown and moved out, you can finally get a good night’s sleep. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

    3M, Stryker, SanDisk, Hewlett-Packard, Toys R Us and American Eagle Outfitters merge to become 3 Stryke Sand Hew R Out. (Randy Lee, Burke)

    3M should buy out Krispy Kreme and call itself Mmm Doughnuts. — H. Simpson, Springfield, U.S.A. (Cheryl Davis, Arlington)

    Green Giant will merge with Brunswick Billiards and become Peas and Cues. (Laurie Brink, Cleveland, Mo.)

    Bridgestone tires, Honda motors, River Island clothing and Kauai coffee merge and become BridgeHondaRiverKauai. (Chris Doyle)

    The Washington Blade, Drake’s Devil Dogs and Purina Dog Chow merge to form OutDamnedSpot. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

    Cryogenics Labs, Windows ME and will merge and become Cry ME a River. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.)

    Combine Gulden’s mustard, Opcon-A Eyedrops and an e.p.t. home pregnancy test, and what do you get? Gulden Op-Paternity. (Jay Shuck)

    Consolidate De Beers, Indianapolis Motor Speedway Corp. and Frigidaire, and you have De Beers Indy Fridge. (Becky Moyer, Alexandria)

    Sony and K-Mart have formed a joint counseling service named “So K.” (Marcy Alvo, Annandale)

    If ChevronTexaco bought out Manolo Blahnik, you’d have Well on Heels. (Valerie Matthews, Ashton)

    Whole Foods supermarkets, Lee artificial nails, Mack trucks and Corelle dishware become WholeLeeMackCorelle. (Chris Doyle)

    Hair Club for Men merged with Huggies to create Ruggies, a line of disposable toupees. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

    Virginia Tech and the prison operator Corrections Corp. of America: Hokie Pokeys. (Valerie Matthews, Ashton)

    Coming soon from HallMerck: The heartwarming get-well card “Best Wishes for Control of Your Left Ventricular Hypertrophy With a Regimen of Hyzaar?.” (Eldonna Edwards, San Luis Obispo, Calif.)

    It’s clear that the Hanover Foods and Everlast Boxing Equipment merger will succeed Hanover Fist. (Kevin Dopart)

    Harley-Davidson merged with Tide to make Hogwash. (Bob Kopac, Poughkeepsie, N.Y.)

    Trans World Airlines and Sylvania Electronics could merge to form TranSylvania, which would be perfect for two companies back from the dead. (Russell Beland)

    Combine Coors Brewing with Glenfiddich and get Hops Scotch. (Paul Whittemore, Spotsylvania, Pa.)

    Virgin Atlantic and Princess Cruise Lines: Virgin Berths (Valerie Matthews)

    A mix of Cracklin’ Oat Bran, Honey Wheats and Trix cereals makes Crack Ho Trix, a tasty and nourishing start for an early-morning mayoral sting. (Steve Fahey, Kensington)

    Henckel Cutlery merged with Nike to form a defense consulting group called Cut and Run, but hasn’t gotten any federal contracts, yet. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

    The Baltimore Orioles merged with Bed Bath & Beyond to make The Birds and the B’s. (Randy Lee)

    Mayor Fenty combines the D.C. Public Schools with the D.C. Jail to form a new GED program: Con Ed. (John Kupiec, Fairfax)

    If Massengill Co. bought up Super Fresh, California Pizza Kitchen, Fraport AG, Ballistic Recovery Systems, Microsoft Windows XP and Allergan Pharmaceuticals, they could market Super Cali FrAG’allistic XP Aller douches. (Combined from the entries of Andrew Hoenig, Rockville, and Chris Doyle)

      • BTW, Pat Myers, aka Pat the Perfect, ME aka Empress of the Style Invitational, Heir to the Czar of the Style Invitational (who was Gene Weingarten but you can’t say that it’s one of the in-jokes) is a woman and kind of a big deal. This is like John Elway dropping in on a Tebow thread. I never had the wit or sagacity to be a Loser, but I’d bet you do, Mr. Van Dyke.

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