Hi! Are you super-nervous about your confirmation hearing later today to be Secretary of State? Now that I think about it, probably not. You know everybody on that committee pretty well (what with your having chaired it and all) and I’ll bet you’re feeling pretty good about your chances. Good luck! I think you’ll do great.
Um… but we need to talk about something else. Something I heard about on the radio this morning, which literally made me yelp with dismay. (I can’t find a link on WBUR’s website, so I’m afraid I have to link to the Boston Herald. I know, I know. It’s the Herald. But it will have to do.)
John Kerry will be moving from the U.S. Senate to the State Department soon, but that doesn’t mean he’s giving up his real ambition: a move to the White House.
Kerry, according to several Democratic sources, has not ruled out another presidential bid in 2016, and a successful stint as secretary of state could boost his case.
“He’s talked to people about it,” one Democratic operative said.
Kerry also recently made a surprise and lengthy visit to a reunion of his staffers from his Iowa campaign, according to Politico. That’s a clear sign The Massachusetts Democrat still has the presidential bug.
I think I speak for Democrats everywhere when I say “SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP, MAN! For the LOVE of GOD, PLEASE do not do this.”
Now, I happen to think any attempt on your part to get the Democratic nomination again would crash and burn spectacularly. Assuming my sentiments are not way out of the mainstream here, I predict enthusiasm for another run on your part would be roughly equivalent to that for a sequel to “Gigli.”
But you never know! You never know, man. And in the off chance that you could actually land the nomination again, I’d like to point out why that would be just terrible for everyone.
First of all, if there’s anything I’ve learned from the last few presidential elections, it’s that Americans don’t want to vote for uncharismatic, super-wealthy douchebags from Massachusetts. Perhaps that’s unfair, and maybe you’re not actually a douchebag in real life. But I voted for you, and I did so despite thinking you kind of seemed like one. Uncharismatic, super-wealthy douchebags from Massachusetts have now failed to defeat incredibly vulnerable incumbents twice in a row, and if you couldn’t make it happen against W I don’t like your chances against whomever you’d face next time. Sorry.
Also, I haven’t really forgiven you for elevating John Edwards. Yeah, yeah. Nobody knew back then what an epic waste of skin the man would turn out to be. But you actually got to spend time with him and (once again) perhaps it’s unfair to think so, but I feel like maybe you should have been a better judge of character. Picking him wasn’t an absolute failure of statesmanship like McCain’s pick of Sarah Palin, but it doesn’t really speak to your ability to make good personnel choices, either.
Finally, however, there’s this — you were a complete failure at countering those Swift Boat attacks. Just a total failure. All those people laughing it up at the Republican National Convention wearing Purple Heart band-aids? I could have crafted an attack ad with that footage in my sleep. And your refusal to release the military records that might have vindicated you remains one of the most utterly baffling bits of political malpractice I’ve ever seen.
Anyhow, I hope things go well for you at State. I think you’ll make a fine Secretary. And then I think you’ll make a fine elder statesman in any of a variety of estimable roles. But not again as a presidential nominee. You suck at it.
PS> All the above said, I have to admit that you’re coming off kind of awesome during your confirmation hearing.
PPS> Special shout-out to Matt Yglesias! Matt, isn’t “outperformed the fundamentals” a wonkishly comforting way to say “lost”?