We’ve all had to write at least one report on the Kübler-Ross model of grief, right? You know the drill:
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
Criticisms of this particular model of grief exist, of course. Not everybody goes through this, not everybody goes through each of these, not everybody goes through them in that order, so on and so forth. That’s all well and good… but, you’ve gotta admit, those are the five main categories of break-up songs, aren’t they?
Well, after the cut, we’ll have some examples (but only one video… let’s not go *NUTS* or anything) of each of the stages and, I hope, you’ll give me your favorites and point out the ones that would have been even better than the ones I picked.
Well, for Denial, I spent some time thinking about The Killers’ song Mr. Brightside and various songs with various “come back to me” titles (and, quite honestly, I had trouble thinking of a good one for a while) but then it hit me… the greatest “Denial” song ever:
Anger was a lot easier to find examples for. Eminem’s Superman has the most exquisite rage bubbling that it makes me uncomfortable to listen to even today. Cee-lo’s song “Forget You” (with, of course, its alternate title) is a charmer if only because it manages to be so cheerful in its hostility, and I almost picked The Human League’s “Don’t You Want Me Baby?” for this song, then I thought it should be the denial song, then I thought it should be the anger song, then I thought I should have a “transitions” category… then I thought that I should just pick this one for Anger the way I did when I originally envisioned this post:
I went into this next part thinking that bargaining would be a toughie. I mean, you want to buy a song about being angry. Do you really want to buy a song that says “I’ll change if you come back?” Well, I suppose people in the bargaining stage would. “I’ll buy this song if you’ll come back!” is pretty much the definition of the internal state. Of course, there aren’t any songs that come out and say “Let’s Negotiate” (well, there is that Paul Simon album) but when I realized that this would include “I want you back” songs and “give me one more chance” songs, my brain was flooded. The Jackson Five’s “I Want You Back” for the childishly unhealthy version of this stage and Hall and Oates’ “Baby Come Back” for the adult version of the unhealthy way to deal with it but if you really wanted to come up with a prima facie reasonable way to deal with this stage that, when you really think about out, tells you everything you need to know about the reasons the other person had for leaving? There’s the Beatles’ “We can work it out”.
Which brings us to… Depression. This category probably accounts for half of love songs and given that love songs make up about half of the songs out there, this category probably makes up 1 out of 4 songs. Instead of picking songs, we could even pick bands. Joy Division. Morrissey. Nick Drake. Ben Folds Five. I’m sighing just thinking about this category. We almost have to do it alphabetically: “Ain’t No Sunshine” by Bill Withers. “All By Myself” by Eric Carmen. “Alone Again Naturally” by Gilbert O’Sullivan… And I haven’t even talked about Barry Manilow and I didn’t even mention Chicago let alone Don McLean! Sigh. On top of that, there are just so many different kinds of perfect songs for this category that it feels like a perpetual rock/paper/scissors game. This song is better than that one but that song is better than this one but *THAT* song is better than this other one but this other one isn’t as good as the first song… And Billy Joel! And Elton John! We haven’t even gone into Country or R&B! There are so many good songs for this category that I feel like I’m just going to fail no matter what. So might as well crash and burn:
Which brings us, finally, to acceptance. A “the relationship is over and it ain’t coming back” song… but one that doesn’t spend too much time wandering through anger, depression, bargaining, or denial. I don’t know whether the songs that say “I’m finally ready to get back on that horse” are healthier than the songs that say “I’m finally over you” (or if the latter indicate issues that haven’t been dealt with while the former indicate that these issues have been), the song that says “I’m on the other side of it now” is probably generally one of the healthier ones to listen to than, say, the Anger/Depression mix tape your friend made for you when that awful, awful person broke your heart. Well, maybe they didn’t. Hey, if they did, forget them anyway! Maybe you could change… ah, what’s the point. It’s over. And that’s okay. You’ll survive.
Now, I made some noises about songs that fit multiple categories… but found surprisingly few that touched on all of them. There is, however, at least one:
Now, I admit to going more toward the “obvious” ones than the “obscure”… but surely there are the obscure ones I’ve overlooked that would be *EVEN* BETTER than these gimmies.
Which ones did I miss?
Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright is a combination of anger and denial, with brief glimpses of clarity immediately papered over.
And the Kinks’ Days is, for me, the ultimate acceptance song.
I bless the light,
I bless the light that shines on you believe me.
And though you’re gone,
You’re with me every single day, believe me.
Although …
You took my life,
But then I knew that very soon you’d leave me,
But it’s all right,
Now I’m not frightened of this world, believe me.
Of course not.
Oh, you remind me, I could have gone into far more detail in “Acceptance” than I did.
There’s the whole “it’s over and there’s no hard feelings” acceptance. There’s the “it’s over and I wish you nothing but the best” acceptance. There’s the “it’s over and there’s no hard feelings but I hope I never see you again and if you fall down an open sewer and die then that’s all right with me you piece of human excrement” acceptance.
I listened to Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright and kept thinking “that chick is going to need a handful of these songs”…
And for another acceptance song, If You See Her, Say Hello. Definitely of the “I screwed up” variety.
If you get close to her, kiss her once for me
I always have respected her for doing what she did and gettin’ free
Oh, whatever makes her happy, I won’t stand in the way
Though the bitter taste still lingers on from the night I tried to make her stay
One of my favorite examples of denial is the offhand final lines of Leonard Cohen’s ‘Chelsea Hotel’.
I don’t mean to suggest / I loved you the best / Can’t keep track of each fallen robin
I remember you well / In the Chelsea Hotel / I don’t think of you / That often
Of course you don’t. You just wrote this incredibly specific song about her.
Lloyd Cole did a terrific cover of this song.
Or, as 10CC put it,
I keep your picture
Upon the wall
It hides a nasty stain that’s lying there
So don’t you ask me
To give it back
I know you know it doesn’t mean that much to me
I’m not in love, no no
Man I HATE that song with a white-hot passion. Amazing production, applied to just the most unpleasant lyrics. Blech.
But yeah, same concept. 🙂
Into acceptance could go Kinks-Better Days, a truly happy song of wishing someone well and Don Henley-The Heart of the Matter, which is less happy but has a quite a bit of searing honesty.
I tend to find “I screwed up and it’s over” songs somewhat more pleasant to listen to than “you screwed up and it’s over” songs.
Maybe it’s because I’m getting older.
I love Social D’s “I’m Sorry”. Its far more then a break up song although he sings about that. But i dig the i screwed up part. I screwed up is a powerful stance to take.
crap the song is I Was Wrong
I’m sorry about that
Concrete Blonde’s ‘Joey’ is a great example of this, and all the more due to the gender inversion. Plus Mankey has that cool guitar tone.
There are plenty of songs, particularly in country, where the man says ‘ I screwed up’ .
Not nearly so many female protagonists ever make this admission IMO.
Patsy Cline’s “So Wrong” came to mind pretty quickly though.
Patsy is, as always, the exception to the rule. 🙂
Got many others?
I maintain that the “I screwed up” genre is mostly male-sung and -told (including in prose and in movies).
In my experience, and at risk of seeming sexist, women don’t usually view things that way in general. Whoever they ended up with, they were ‘destined’ to end up with. Men are more likely to remember the ‘one that got away’.
Maybe a topic for another post – as a general rule do men believe in free will (and therefore mistakes & regrets loom larger) but women believe in fate when it comes to love? Would be curious on a woman’s POV here.
You know, to dig my own grave a bit further, I am thinking of plenty of good examples from the girl-group era.
In fact, many of those songs slip right over the edge into outright female co-dependence or very regressive gender attitudes (‘He Hit Me and It Felt Like A Kiss’, anyone?)
Given Patsy and these girl groups as examples, it seems to me that the incidence of female-sung ‘I screwed up’ songs dips pretty precipitously after women’s lib (itself a good thing, obviously.)
Maybe those songs just don’t sell as well now.
Male-sung ‘I screwed up’ songs remain constant. But given that women are people, I have to believe that roughly 50% of the time they just *may* be at fault in a breakup.
(Ducks)
Heh. Beware I have great aim when throwing stuff. Actually, I think you are probably right that there are more male ” I screwed up” songs. Coming up with a female example was just so easy how could I resist?
I’m not sure exactly where Springsteen’s Brilliant Disguise fits in. There is some denial, depression and bargaining. But it is a fantastic song. Unfortunately it grew to mean a lot to me at a point.
“Brilliant Disguise”
I hold you in my arms
As the band plays
What are those words whispered baby
Just as you turn away
I saw you last night
Out on the edge of town
I wanna read your mind
To know just what I’ve got in this new thing I’ve found
So tell me what I see
When I look in your eyes
Is that you baby
Or just a brilliant disguise
I heard somebody call your name
From underneath our willow
I saw something tucked in shame
Underneath your pillow
Well I’ve tried so hard baby
But I just can’t see
What a woman like you
Is doing with me
So tell me who I see
When I look in your eyes
Is that you baby
Or just a brilliant disguise
Now look at me baby
Struggling to do everything right
And then it all falls apart
When out go the lights
I’m just a lonely pilgrim
I walk this world in wealth
I want to know if it’s you I don’t trust
‘Cause I damn sure don’t trust myself
Now you play the loving woman
I’ll play the faithful man
But just don’t look too close
Into the palm of my hand
We stood at the alter
The gypsy swore our future was right
But come the wee wee hours
Well maybe baby the gypsy lied
So when you look at me
You better look hard and look twice
Is that me baby
Or just a brilliant disguise
Tonight our bed is cold
I’m lost in the darkness of our love
God have mercy on the man
Who doubts what he’s sure of
I’m still chipping away at my soundtrack posts, which revolves around a whole lot of stages-of-grief songs as it involves a relationship with more grief than grace.
Matthew Ryan’s “Chrome” is a quasi-denial song. I mean, he’s denying everything in site. He’s in denial about the fact that he’s screwed, if that counts. Also, his “Watch Your Step” watches him go from denial to (potentially violent) anger.
If you haven’t heard Reckless Kelly’s “Dumbest Thing,” and you can stand anything countryish, go listen to it now.
Melissa Etheridge’s “I’m The Only One” has Bargaining covered, I think. They Might Be Giants has a song or six that fit this category.
Ben Folds Five’s “Selfless, Cold, and Composed” gets a nod for Depression. So many good ones to pick from. If you’ve never listened to Mono Puff’s “Don’t I Have The Right,” you really, really should.
I think Sons of the Desert’s “Whatever Comes First” deals perfectly with that stage in between Depression and Acceptance. Right at that pivot.
“Separate Lives” by Phil Collins is the first song that comes to mind when I think of Acceptance, though that only covers the beginning of it. A song that’s too much about Acceptance starts getting into “He doth protest too much” territory. Or we can assume that a love song is an Acceptance song to some old lover somewhere.
(All of these songs can be located on YouTube. I refrained from mentioning those which can’t.)
Fiona Apple’s “Sleep to Dream” is my all-time favorite Anger stage song.
Sheryl Crow’s “It Don’t Hurt” is great for Denial, though the entire Globe Sessions album was in heavy rotation after a particularly unpleasant break-up for ol’ Russell.
For denial, I would say PJ Harvey’s “You’re not rid of me” has it pretty much covered.
Not to criticize anyone else’s choices, but for the anger stage I think one of best–straightforward, non-subtle, but with a touch of humor–is Pink’s “So What.”
And I love the choice of “Love Hurts” for depression–it’s a tough call between the Nazareth version and the Boudleaux Bryant version; both fantastic renditions.
Heh. I’m glad you thought it appropriate. I thought it summed up all of the excesses of the genre while still being something that you could see being listened to in darkened basements all over the country on a Friday/Saturday night.
I don’t know if this *exactly* fits Denial because when I read all the lyrics more closely just now, the song may be sung from the POV of a supremely-shading-into-delusionally-confident suitor/stalker prior to a relationship’s beginning, rather than after one’s dissolution; but Depeche Mode’s ‘It’s No Good’ has some denial in there regardless.
Don’t say you want me / Don’t say you need me / Don’t say you love me / It’s understood
Don’t say you’re happy / Out there without me / I know you can’t be / ‘Cause it’s no good
Epic electronic goth pop is its own reward. I laugh at the hubris and narcissism of these lyrics (no doubt intended to be humorously over the top), yet can’t help but be moved as well; there is a real feeling and a darkness in there too. It’s almost operatic emotionally, the way a lot of the great girl group stuff is.
I’m going to take my time… I’ve got allllllllll the time in the world…
The Mode has often fared better than average, remix-wise, over the years. It helps that the melodies are so strong that the structure can take some abuse.
Here’s the Andrea Parker remix of the song; this is the one that came up in shuffle yesterday which is why the song was fresh in my mind:
http://youtu.be/9EoYjZahKzM
One of the songs that I’ve been meaning to write an essay about (but felt like I didn’t have anywhere near enough baggage to do so) is Sting’s “I’m so happy that I can’t stop crying”.
I saw a friend of mine
He said, “I was worried about you
I heard she had another man,
I wondered how you felt about it?”
I’m so happy that I can’t stop crying
I’m so happy I’m laughing though my tears
Saw my lawyer, Mr Good News
He got me joint custody and legal separation
I’m so happy that I can’t stop crying
I’m laughing through my tears
I’m laughing through my tears
Whoa.
You gotta work ‘Tears Of A Clown’ and ‘Boys Don’t Cry’ in that essay somehow.
Oh, I’ve got enough baggage to talk about them.