“Profesor O’Mathy?”
There had been a knock on his office door. Professor Phil O’Mathy opened it and saw that it was Brenda Evans, from his first-year calculus class. While she was the sort of student he usually disdained, inattentive and lazy, he’d always found her, for obscure reasons, sympathetic.
O’Mathy noticed that Brenda’s face, on the pleasing symmetry of which he had idly reflected many times, looked interestingly different. She had done things with cosmetics to make her eyes appear larger, her cheekbones higher, and her mouth fuller. He didn’t entirely approve, but found it cleverly done and regretted that she didn’t apply the same ingenuity to more worthwhile pursuits, like epsilon-delta proofs.
“Hello, Brenda. Office hours were over at six, but, please, come in.”
“Professor, I have a big problem, and I’m hoping you can help me with it.”
O’Mathy, unexpectedly, found himself quite eager to be of help. “Yes. Tell me more.”
“You know, I’m not very good at calculus. But I need a good grade in your course for my major. I’d do anything.”
“Hmm. When you say anything, you mean…”
“Really, Professor. Anything.”
O’Mathy was amazed. He had begun to feel quite drawn to Brenda, and was overjoyed at this chance to share indescribable joy with her.
“Then of course I can help you. You can earn a very good grade indeed, and all you will need to do — if you’re willing, of course. You did say ‘anything’?”
She put her hand on his arm. “Why yes, Professor, I did. Anything.”
“Wonderful. Go home and study.”
How many Californians does it take to replace a light bulb?
Six. One to replace the bulb and five to share in the life experience together.
How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. He gives the light bulb to six Californians, thereby reducing it to an earlier proof.
How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but only if it knows its own Godel number.
When a light bulb solves an equation, does it get an us over its head?
The mathematician one I’ve heard is, “How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. It’s left as an exercise to the reader.”
Of course you must know the one about psychologists.
I’ve heard several over the years.
How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but the lightbulb has to really want to change.
How many psychologists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
The lightbulb’s a penis, isn’t it?
How many psychologists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Tell me about their mothers…
How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?
“Go, have fun. Don’t worry about me sitting all by myself in the dark.”
The only Jewish mother joke I know is actually a Jewish grandmother joke that someone told me like 15 years ago. You’ve probably heard it before:
A Jewish grandmother is visiting the beach with her young grandson. He is playing in the surf, splashing around, when suddenly a giant wave takes him under and he disappears into the sea. The grand mother, distraught, raises her hands to the sky and prays, “God, please! My grandson is my everything, I love him more than anything else in this world. Please, please, bring him back to me!” As soon as she finishes praying, a dolphin emerges from the sea with her grandson on its back, swimming towards the shore. The dolphin rides right up to the edge of the water and gently deposits the grandson on the sand before disappearing back into the sea. The grandmother looks at her grandson, and then up to the sky and says, “He had a hat.”
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A fish.
Ce n’est pas un poisson.
Probably.
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Don’t be ridiculous. They use beds, like the rest of us.
How many math reform advocates does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None; screwing in light bulbs is just rote manipulation.
How many affirmative action advocates does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None; light bulbs are white males.