I wish I’d written this. I think it’s hilarious. I’ve adapted it a little bit to fit the appropriate meter:
Act Two, Scene 1.
[In carriage, Enter JULES and VINCENT]:
JULES: ‘Sooth! I shall travel to fair Europa,
its soil to tread! Upon my very soul, I shall!
VINCENT: Its soil upon thy very sole, indeed!
Thou would savor’t most among all mortal men!
…But of all that Continent’s fair wonders,
doest thou know what caus’th me greatest laughter?
JULES: Nay, gentle Vincent. What, upon yon
Continent, doest drive thee to incontinence?
VINCENT: ‘Tis not the mightiest, but the merest.
Much there verily abides, the very same
as in our homeliest hearth — yet within
the smallest nooks, the greatest difference be.
JULES: What might be one of these great small wonders?
Prithee tell!
VINCENT: In fair Amsterdam, good coz,
thou might purchase the fairest of all ales –
and not in a public house, but indeed
in the very theatre! Nor ‘tis a
mere thimble-cup, but a goodly flagon!
JULES: Speak thou truly?
VINCENT: ‘Strooth! The wonders endeth
not there. In gay Parree, thou might purchase
ale at the rudest MacDonald’s meat-house!
JULES: Zounds, at such a meat-house would’st I fain meet!
VINCENT: Doest thou know how the Parisians call a
Quarter-Pounder With Cheese?
JULES: What trick is this?
Doest they call it not a Quarter-Pounder
With Cheese?
VINCENT: Nay, simple knave! With their foreign
measures, none of them in Paree wouldst know
a Quarter-Pounder from a Carronade!
JULES: So thou says. What call it they in Paree?
VINCENT: They grant it a kingly title indeed:
To them, ‘tis a Royale Crownéd With Cheese!
JULES: (laughs) So! A Royale Crownéd With Cheese! What then do
they call a Big Mac?
VINCENT: Mine coz, in Paree,
that article be the very same, yet with a different article be:
Le Big Mac!
JULES: (clapping his hands with delight) What call they a Whopper, then?
VINCENT: I know not, Jules, for I entered not the
Burgherhouse of the King… But, pray, mine friend,
doest thou know what, down in the Netherlands,
they do put upon their pommes-frittes in stead
of homely cat-sup?
JULES: I am confounded.
VINCENT: Mayonnaise.
JULES: Zounds!
VINCENT: With mine own eyes I’ve seen’t!
Nor do I speak of a mere side-dollop.
They fair drown their victuals in vasty waves
of that vile condiment!
JULES: I am undone!
