The Difference, Explained

A friend from Tennessee asked in an online forum:

If someone could articulate the distinction between the two parties, I would love to know. It would be lovely to have a major party that I could believe in. Also, it would do wonders to reduce my anxieties about the two!

My response:

Democrats: Expand the role of government in paying for health care. (Impliedly) Less military spending. FCC concentrates its efforts on increasing racial diversity in public television programming. Moderate danger of party being taken over by crypto-socialists intent on nationalizing most major industries. Mostly favor abortion rights and oppose international free trade agreements (exceptions exist for both issues). Justices appointed to Supreme Court like Steven Breyer and Ruth Bader Ginsburg. “Vero Possumus.”

Republicans: Do not expand the role of government in paying for health care. More, or at least current levels of, military spending. FCC concentrates its efforts on protecting us from unathorized exposure of nipples. Moderate danger of party being taken over by crytpo-theocrats intent on using the government to regulate consensual sex acts. Mostly would restrict abortion rights and favor international free trade agreements (exceptions exist for both issues). Justices appointed to Supreme Court like like John Roberts and Samuel Alito. “Country first.”

Both: Rejigger tax code to make it “more fair for all Americans in these tough times,” but somehow your taxes will increase. Lip service paid to balancing budget but deficit nevertheless will increase. Greater Federal funding to local schools and “radical” education reform package will fail to reverse continuing decline in education levels. Periodic overt references to Protestant Christianity and use of “faith-based initiatives” to use public money to subsidize religious institutions. No clue about reforming or protecting Social Security. No substantial definition of “success in Iraq” and withdrawl of most but not all troops from Iraq by 2011 after proclaiming “victory.” Some pandering to the “immunization causes autism” crowd. “Under God” stays in Pledge of Allegiance.

Which about sums it up, I think.