A Paean To The Unadorned Martini

I had a martini tonight with dinner. Then another for dessert. Damn, I do like martinis every once in a while.

I like mine made with vodka, not gin. I know there are some snobs out there who insist that if it’s made with vodka it’s not a real martini. They’re wrong. The point of the martini is to be cold, intoxicating, bitter, refreshing, and clean. Most of all, clean. Vodka has a cleaner taste than gin — gin has that bitter juniper-berry taste to it; vodka is simply alcohol. Some people like “dirty” martinis, where a shot (or more) of olive juice is poured into the drink. Defeats the purpose if you ask me.

If you drink other kinds of vodka drinks, the quality of the vodka is not a huge issue. I tried high-quality vodka in tonic water, and decided after a while that the quinine and lime and carbonation wiped out whatever advantage high-quality vodka provided. But it’s different with a martini. The drink is still, and so the feel of the vodka in your mouth matters. The best vodka is tasteless, so you can’t make one without any vermouth. (A little goes a long way, though.) A good martini marries the satiny feel of the vodka with the subtle and pleasing bitterness of the vermouth.

A lemon twist is good sometimes, but more often than not, I like the martini to be served naked, with nothing but the clear liquid. If there must be an olive, I’d much rather it was black than green, and keep that goddamned pimento the hell away from my drink, thank you very much. I don’t give a damn if you shake or stir my martini; I do care that you use dry vermouth, and not too much of it.

The martini is sexy. It has style and class. It’s for grownups. (I exclude from this analysis choco-tinis, green apple pucker-tinis, glow-in-the-dark razzleberry martinis, and other similar sugary-sweet concoctions served in the same glass, which are for kids or getting sorority girls drunk.) Everyone knows what it is but not a lot of people actually drink them. It comes in its own distinctive kind of glass, which immediately brands the drink and the drinker. As far as I’m concerned, the glass must have a stem, or what’s the point? You need that visual cue that instantly says “martini!” for the cachet of martini drinking to attach.

One martini is an indulgence. Two martinis, that’s probably too many. Three martinis are not enough.