A beloved icon of our youth is retiring and will be used no more to market the most delectable breakfast food on Earth. Cap’n Crunch — obliquely parodied in equally-beloved cartoon strips as “Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs” — will no longer be featured in the marketing of PepsiCo’s ultra-sweet, nutrition-free breakfast “food”.
No one ever had any illusions that Cap’n Cruch cereal was possessed any functional nutritional value. Well, no one who was not worth mocking, anyway. But that was never the point. Cap’n Crunch got me through many a hangover in college, and when ground up a little bit between a couple of cutting boards makes an astonishingly wonderful coating to french toast.
Oh, go ye quietly into that good night, my Cap’n! Your product will still be sold but you are no longer the pitchman. May you enjoy your retirement in Tuscon with Joe Camel. In the meantime, the government can have my Cap’n Crunch cereal when it pries the spoon from my cold, dead fingers.
The last press release I could find about the brand was in 2007 on a not-too-surprising survey that found that 83% percent of kids ages 8 to 13 thought it would be fun to be a pirate. For generations of children, Cap’n Crunch made eating cereal fun. According to nutritionists, this kind of food association is one of the reasons behind America’s soaring childhood obesity rates, which have doubled over the past 20 years.
There you have it. Piracy being fun leads to chubbkins.
If only we could associate sea-faring folk with spinach!
If only we could associate sea-faring folk with spinach!
Don’t be ridiculous. That would be like associating sports heroes with cereal made from whole grains.