Remarks I’m Delivering Today

I put all this on my Kindle, so it would be easier to read than on a series of index cards. Normally I would memorize the important points and then improvise from there, but as will be obvious, I don’t want to take a chance of making a mistake while delivering these remarks and I don’t want to ramble on for longer than is appropriate for my station or take up more of the spotlight than is necessary to fulfill my duties. Even as it is, The Wife thinks I’m speaking too much although I’ve got my remarks down to about two minutes.

The happy couple wrote their own vows and the groom wrote his own remarks.

Friends and family, thank you for coming to witness the marriage of our dear friends, [Bride] and [Groom].

I am not here to marry them. [Groom] and [Bride] are marrying each other. I’m here to lead a ceremony.

When I got ready to do this, I asked some of my clients, a Buddhist monk, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi. They all said the same thing to me: “Keep it short, [Burt]. People want to get to the food.”

Balanced against that is the legal requirement that this ceremony be “solemn.” “Solemn” does not mean “somber,” because, this is a joyful celebration. But “solemn” does mean “serious.” After all, marriage matters.

Ask an actuary. On average, married people are less likely to get sick, and some say they live longer.

Ask an accountant. Married people typically earn more money, and pay lower taxes, than do singles.

Ask a psychologist. In surveys, married people report higher levels of happiness than their single friends.

Or, ask a lawyer. Our courts and legislatures debate daily who can or cannot get married; the State of New York addressed this question just yesterday. Whatever you think about the issue, the mere fact that such a debate takes place at all proves the importance of marriage.

But you don’t need to ask anyone, you already know it. When people say they are “married,” that word gives a thrill of recognition and understanding. It fixes the star of their relationship in the social constellation. Words like “husband and wife,” mean something more than more clumsy phrases like “domestic partner,” “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” or “fiancée.”  The word “marriage” matters.

So now that we’ve contemplated the serious nature of what our friends here are doing, our culture’s tradition is that the groom commit himself first. This is so the bride can hear him before she goes and does something precipitous. So, [Groom] has a few remarks to that effect.

[Groom] reads:

“[Bride], I love your friendship.

“I love the time that we spend together.

“I love waking next to you in the morning.

“I love having someone to care for and someone I can depend on.

“I love your laugh, adventurous nature, sense of humor, and style, your keen intellect and the sly looks you slip me when no one is watching.

“I love the way you challenge me to be a better me.

“Most of all, I love the love that we share.

“I do not want to envision a life without you.

“I love that I can be myself around you.

“It is for these and so many other reasons that I want to pledge myself to you this day.”

[Groom], give the Kindle back to [Burt] now, please. Don’t read this out loud.

Please repeat after me, [Groom].

[Bride], I promise to respect you and care for you…

…in times of plenty and in times of want.

I pledge to you my love, my friendship, and my support…

…that I will never hold a grudge…

…that I will be slow to anger and quick to forgive.

I promise to be honest and worthy of your trust and love.

I will endeavor to be fair and selfless…

…never seeking to win in matters of dispute…

…but rather to find common ground and understanding.

I will shoulder your burdens with you…

…listen when you have need of an ear to hear…

…and look out for you and your well-being always.

Now [Bride].

[Groom], I promise to respect you and care for you…

…in times of plenty and in times of want.

I pledge to you my love, my friendship, and my support…

…that I will never hold a grudge…

…that I will be slow to anger and quick to forgive.

I promise to be honest and worthy of your trust and love.

I will endeavor to be fair and selfless…

…never seeking to win in matters of dispute…

…but rather to find common ground and understanding.

I will shoulder your burdens with you…

…listen when you have need of an ear to hear…

…and look out for you and your well-being always.

The rings, please.

Rings are circles, and therefore symbols of unity and eternity. By an exchange of rings, [Groom] and [Bride] formalize the promises they just made to one another, and declare to the community as a whole, their commitment to be together as one.

[Bride], you go first this time.

Now [Groom].

It is done. By the power vested in me by the State of California, I now pronounce you married.

I think you two know what to do next.

They kiss.

Ladies and gentlemen, please greet Mr. and Mrs. [Groom] and [Bride]!