The Only Thing People Get Convicted Of Is Lying

It seems like no one gets in trouble for doing bad things.  They just get in trouble for lying about it. Consider:

  • Al Capone, sent to Alcatraz not for running guns and booze during Prohibition, but rather for lying about how much money he made doing it.
  • Richard Nixon was almost sure to have been impeached for obstruction of justice, had he not resigned and been pardoned.
  • Then there’s Bill Clinton — it wasn’t getting the blowjob that got him impeached and censured by the bar, it was lying about it under oath.
  • Scooter Libby, former White House aide.  Obstruction of justice; no charge of any underlying crime.
  • Kwame Kilpatrick, the former mayor of Detroit.  Lied under oath about sending text messages to his aide.
  • Mark Fuhrman, former LAPD cop involved in the first O.J. Simpson murder investigation.
  • Lil’ Kim, the rapper.  Lied about her friends being involved in a shooting.
  • Marion Jones, the athlete.  Barry Bonds, too.  Lying about using steroids.
  • Martha Stewart, Wall Street maven and icon to anal-retentive WASP housewives everywhere.  Insider trading charges dismissed, only obstruction of justice claims were actually prosecuted.
  • Just yesterday, Rod Blagojevich.  Hung jury on 23 of 24 counts, and the only conviction the most obvious and transparent of all lies to the FBI, a lie which would not have been told had Blago followed the most rudimentary pieces of advice available from any criminal defense attorney anywhere — don’t talk to the cops.
  • And coming up soon:  Roger Clemens.  The Rocket?  Really?  Damn.

See, if you don’t talk to the cops, they can’t say afterwards that you lied to them.  Even if everyone already knows that you put a U.S. Senate seat up for auction on eBay.

Burt Likko

Pseudonymous Portlander. Homebrewer. Atheist. Recovering litigator. Recovering Republican. Recovering Catholic. Recovering divorcé. Recovering Former Editor-in-Chief of Ordinary Times. House Likko's Words: Scite Verum. Colite Iusticia. Vivere Con Gaudium.